So Blessed

Something weird happened this morning as I walked through the doors to my Zumba class.  I was struck with the thought that I am so blessed.  I was overwhelmed with happiness.  I just started thinking about all my blessings.  I live in a beautiful home and have a wonderful husband that I don't deserve.  I have the most amazing family and tons of friends.  I get to work from home doing something I love to do.  I realized that I have a very full and happy life.  If something as simple as a Zumba class can bring me joy, I need to look around more and find the joy in my life.  I may be missing a very important element in my life right now, but that is in the Lord's hands.  I've done everything I can do and now I have to trust in the Lord.  I can't stop living my life and just WAIT.  I need to find the joy every single day.  I need to better myself, so when the opportunity to become a parent comes my way, I am the best ME possible.  I'm going to enjoy every minute I get to spend with my hubby, my family and my friends.  Because once that little baby comes along, I have a feeling some of the other people and things I love to do will be neglected.........and that's ok. :)

Disappointment A or Disappointment B??

I remember when we were trying to get pregnant, the disappointment that would come every month, when I never saw the smiley face or the 2 lines.  That disappointment has now been replaced by a different disappointment.  The disappointment whenever I get an email and it isn't from a birth mom.  My prayers were more fervent this weekend.  Every time I looked at my phone, I prayed I would see that blinking red light and there would be that glorious email from a birth mom.  I think I stared at my phone more yesterday than I ever have.  It was like if I focused and concentrated hard enough, it would have no choice but to give me what I wanted......that one email.  The email that would change our lives forever and for the better.  And each time, disappointment came.  I'm not sure which disappointment I prefer.

As we were driving home yesterday from celebrating Christmas with my family, P told me it was getting harder and harder to spend time with our families because it was just a constant reminder of what we didn't have.  I have been feeling that for awhile now (especially during Thanksgiving and this past Christmas weekend), but it was kind of nice to know his feelings were just like mine.  We keep reminding each other of our favorite quote:

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." -Joseph F. Smith

Waiting has been hard, but I think the holiday season has amped up our emotions.  It has gotten SO MUCH HARDER lately.  We can do nothing but keep on waiting.

I Promise.....

I had a wonderful thanksgiving weekend with P's family.  We had a great time.  We got to spend hours with our nieces and nephews, which I loved.  But I couldn't help but feel a little sadness.  I wanted to be a part of this special club of parents.  I wanted my mother-in-law to take our baby onto her lap and read books.  I wanted my father-in-law to pick our baby up to take them to look at something they are pointing at.  I wanted my baby to be cuddled, and cooed and spoiled with attention. I wanted to belong.  I wanted to load up the car with play pens and diaper bags and blankets.  I wanted my thanksgiving meal to get cold because I was attending to our baby.  I wanted to be so tired the next morning because I was up all night with our baby.  The things that most mothers complain about, I can't wait to have!  I'm ready to have my life disrupted by a beautiful little baby.

I promise I won't complain about the lack of sleep, or the lack of warm food, or the lack of clean clothes or a clean house.  I promise I won't complain about having no "me" time.  I promise.  Just give me the chance.......

Let the Crying Continue.........

I am so touched by the overwhelming love and support we have gotten as we journey through this adoption process.  My friends and family on Facebook are sending out our link again without me even asking them too!  It is so touching and I am just so incredibly grateful that I have been blessed with such wonderful people in my life. I am truly a lucky girl!

A Big Crybaby

If I didn't know any better, I would think I was pregnant!!!  My emotions are all over the place.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.  I was driving home today and was on the freeway and there was a man standing on the side of road holding a sign that said, "Out of work, have 2 girls.  Any help is appreciated."  I started crying because I didn't have any cash to give him.  I felt awful!  Then I was talking to my cousin on Facebook and she is back at work after being on maternity leave and I started crying because she has to leave her sweet baby every day to go to work.  Yesterday was no better.  I went VT to the sweetest woman who just miscarried after 17 weeks.  This was her second miscarriage this year.  As we were talking, I had to fight back the tears because they were just threatening to come gushing out.  I just felt awful for her!  She has two adorable little girls, but I know the desire to build your family and I wished so badly I could just give her what she wanted.  The 2nd woman we VT has adopted two little boys and is currently doing foster care.  I felt myself coming to tears again as I was talking with her.  I just feel like my emotions are so at the brink of just spilling over every single minute.

My friend called me yesterday to talk some more about the 14 year old girl that is pregnant.  Her mom would like to meet with us.  I found out she's having a girl.  I started crying because I've always felt there is a little girl out there for us and this might be her.  P and I are calling the mom today to see if we can meet with her and then if she likes us, she will let us meet her daughter and see if she wants to place with us.  It is so hard!  I never get my hopes up and I'm always very cautious, but I can't help but imagine if we had that little girl.  P is the cutest husband ever.  After I called him and told him about the possible meeting, we decided we should call our case worker and see how to proceed.  After we hung up, P's mom stopped by so I couldn't call our caseworker.  While I was visiting with P's mom, P called.  He was so excited to know what our caseworker had said.  He wants a little baby just as badly as I do.  He is going to be a WONDERFUL father.  I seriously don't know a better man.  He is such a loving, forgiving, caring, supportive guy!  I am so in love with him.

I was really having a bad night last night and of course I was crying and P asked what was wrong.  I told him that I just wished life didn't have to be so hard.  He said the perfect thing, "Our life isn't that hard.  We are facing some difficult challenges, but it's not hard.  We are really lucky and blessed."  He was right.  We are sooooo blessed.  When I think of the challenges and trials others have to go through, I know I am extremely blessed.

We'll make it through this and all our other challenges we're facing right now.  Someday when we have our little family, we will look back on our trials and be grateful for where they led us.

Coincidence or Fate?

About two years ago, my friend called me and told me she had a dream.  She dreamt that one of her YW had become pregnant and I ended up adopting the baby.  We laughed about it and I put it out of my head.  A few months later I was walking into Wal-Mart with P when I got an email from my friend.  This YW was pregnant and was placing her baby for adoption.  However, she had already chosen a family.  But my friend wanted to know if we would be interested if the family fell through.  I remember my heart started pounding and I couldn't believe what I was reading.  P and I hadn't really discussed adoption yet at this point, but, I emailed my friend back and told her I would absolutely be interested.  Everything worked out for this young girl and the family she chose, but I was amazed at the insight of my friend.

My friend called me last week and told me this same YW was now the birth mom advocate for her FSA chapter and she would love to have some of our pass along cards to give to potential birth moms.  Talk about excited.  Maybe this YW was meant to help us find our birth mom.  I've emailed her and sent her some of our pass along cards.  I'm hopeful that putting our cards directly into potential birth mom's hands may be the answer to our prayers.

I posted our website on Facebook and asked my friends to please share it on their walls as well.  I had more friends than I could count share our website and we've had hundreds of hits on our website because of it.  I'm more hopeful than I've been in a long time.  The more people who know, the more chances of us becoming parents soon!

Another Lead?

I got a call from a friend today.  Her mom was talking to their mail lady and found out her daughter was 14 years old, pregnant and due in March..  The mom really wants her daughter to place the baby, but the daughter wants to parent.  My friend's mom told her we were adopting and asked if her daughter might be interested.  My friend was calling to find out what she should do.  I told her to have the girl look at my blog and if she wanted to talk to us, just to explore her options, that would be great.  I told my friend we would not pressure the girl if she wanted to talk, we would just let her ask questions about how the adoption would be.  I like that we are having leads, but I would love to actually meet our birth mom and bring our baby home soon!  I was reading one of the blogs I follow and they were just chosen for their 2nd baby.  I felt a huge pang of jealousy.  They have one adorable adopted son and are about to have another baby.  It hurt.  It hurts not knowing when or if this will happen for us.    P and I are so ready.

Scammed????

Well, we had an interesting weekend.  We went out of town to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary.  As we were driving Friday night, I checked my email and saw a subject that grabbed my attention:  baby girl.  My heart skipped a beat and then just started beating super fast in my chest.  I shoved the phone in P's face so he could see it as well.  Then I opened the email and began to read:  "Hi.  I saw your profile.  I would like to talk to you.  Can I have a number to call?  I am due Oct. 29th."  I was instantly skeptical.  This didn't seem normal.  It didn't seem in line with the other birth mom's I'd listened to.  I instantly sent the email to our case worker and called her.  She was also skeptical but told me to go ahead and email her back and see if we could get more information.  So I emailed her back to see if we could set up a time to talk the next day.  She emailed me right back and said she really wanted to talk that night and could I send her a number.  So I emailed her back and gave her my number.  Then we waited.  Nothing.  No phone call and no email back.  So we went about our night, checked into our hotel and went to sleep.

The next morning we were woken up by a phone call at 7:00 a.m.  Seriously!  7:00 a.m!  On a Saturday!  I didn't get to my phone in time to answer it, but she called back 10 minutes later.  It was from a Private Number. I answered the phone and we started talking.  She said her name was Kenzlee.  I asked her how she was doing and she said she was having contractions.  I asked her if she was working with a case worker and she said, yes. With LDS.  I asked her the case worker's name and she said it was Rachel Alexander.  It was extremely awkward and uncomfortable.  I started to ask her questions and the phone went dead.  I was confused.  Did she not like us?  Did her phone die?  P and I were still a little skeptical and her voice seemed fake, so we didn't know what to do.  I emailed her back and told her we would love to talk again and to call us back when she could.  And then we waited.  Nothing......until 6:30 that night.

I answered the phone and started talking to her.  She said her contractions were 10 minutes apart.  I asked her if she lived with someone.  She said she lived alone.  I asked if she had family close by.  She said no.  She said she would drive herself to the hospital.  I asked her if she had any friends to take her.  She said no.  I asked if she could contact her case worker and she said no.  So I asked her if she had any questions about us.  She did.  She wanted to know how old we were, if we had always lived in Utah, if we were planning on staying in Utah, if we had any other children, if we were ready to be parents at any time (remember, her due date was 2 weeks away).  She asked what our hobbies were and what we did for work.  Then I started asking her questions.  She said she was in a band and she played guitar and sang.  She liked to read.  She was still in contact with her family and they were in SLC (although just a minute ago she said she didn't have family close by).  She was 19.  She said she really wanted to meet because she was going to have the baby any day and she needed to make a decision.  So I asked her if we could get our case workers to set up a time to meet and then the phone went dead......again.  This time I was more upset.  I felt the only reason she stayed on the phone so long this time was because we were talking about her.  I felt strongly this wasn't a girl who was pregnant, but a girl who was terribly troubled and lonely.  As I told P about the call, I started to cry just a little.  I was so upset that the first contact we'd had was with a  fraud.  It wasn't real.  But we both had felt that it was suspicious from the start, so we had never allowed ourselves to get our hopes up.

That night we got another call from Kenzlee, at 10:30 p.m.  P answered the phone this time.  He asked her why the phone kept dying.  She said she had bad coverage and she had to wait until she had service (uh, really?  You live in SLC).  P said that was fine and he started talking to her.  He asked her if she had a case worker.  She said No (remember Rachel Alexander???).  She said she really needed to talk and meet.  So P asked her if we could meet the next day in SLC.  She could pick the place.  He also asked if she would be ok  working with our case worker because we wanted to make sure she was taken care of.  She said yes, and then once again, the phone went dead.  At this point, I'd had enough.  I just couldn't handle it anymore.  Whoever this girl was, she didn't have a baby.  And if she did, that wasn't the kind of relationship we wanted. I just prayed that we would not hear from her again, and luckily we haven't.  I'm not sure if P scared her off, I'm not sure who she is or what her end game was, but it didn't feel right from the start.  It made me so angry that there are people out there taking advantage of couples who are trying to find their baby.

I am thankful for the practice.  I think it made me know more what to do in the future when we are contacted by our REAL birth mom and how to start a REAL relationship with her.  I pray that this is not the only contact we will have.

Adoption Education Classes

P and I got to go to Adoption Education Classes this weekend.  I was a little unsure if I really wanted to spend 12 hours in classes.  It seemed like too much and I thought the weekend would be a drag.  I was wrong.  I loved it!  Other than a couple hours, I enjoyed every single minute.  I loved listening to the adoptive parents tell their stories and I loved listening to the birth mom's share their stories.  Our decision to adopt was reconfirmed to me over and over.  It was also wonderful to hear that I'm not alone.  There are hundred's of other families that feel the same way we do, that have been through the same struggles.  I developed such a love for our future birth family.  They are truly amazing people.  Their strength and love and selflessness is something I will probably never comprehend, but something I will be forever grateful for.  These birthmoms are truly the most exceptional people I've ever met.

We invited P's parents and my sister to come listen to the birthmom panel.  We wanted people in our family to understand that although our families will have great joy, another family will be experiencing great sorrow.  It was wonderful that we were able to share that part with our families, so when we have our own story and birth mom, we will have family members close to us understanding that although we are feeling happiness and joy, we may also be feeling sadness.

I am so extremely grateful for the opportunity to adopt.  I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew us better than I ever thought possible.  I'm thankful that through a loving birthmom, I will get to experience being a mother.

Over Excited?

I think I was overly excited when I replied to my aunt.  I keep looking back at my response and I wish I would have toned it down, just a little.  I should have shown more concern for the expectant parent and told her that the thing that is most important is that she do what's right, whether that is to keep or to place.  And if it is to place, that she find the right parents, even if that means it's not us.  I'm glad I got to experience our first nibble through our aunt, because it taught me better what to do if/when an expectant parent contacts us.

An Email from My Aunt

I just got an email from my aunt who has a friend that might be thinking of placing her baby for adoption.  She wanted to know if we would be ok with an inter-racial baby.  Of course we would!  It was craziness how excited I got thinking THIS could be our birth mom.  This is really our first lead and I know I shouldn't get too excited, but as soon as I got her email, my heart started pounding and I couldn't think about anything else.  I called P right away.  After we discussed the email and that I should definitely email her back that we were interested, P started talking about other things.  I'll be honest, I had a hard time concentrating.  All I wanted to do was email my aunt and tell her YES, YES, YES!  I'm not going to get too excited, because my aunt's not even sure her friend wants to place, and her friend might not even be interested in us, but I love feeling like something's happening.  I'm going to find it very hard to concentrate until (if I ever do) hear from her.

Gratitude

I must be turning into a blubbering baby because the littlest things just touch me so much.  The overwhelming love and support from friends and family is amazing!  I pinned our adoption website to Pinterest yesterday and when I logged on today, so many of my friends had repinned it.  I know that seems like such a silly thing, but it means so much to me that they care.  They want us to have a baby just as much as we want one and that is such a blessing to me.  The amount of people wanting to pass out our cards or post to their Facebook page, or repin on Pinterest.  Every little thing helps and I pray that somewhere in the world, our birth mom finds us.  Another lesson learned through this is that it's ok to let others help you in your time of need.  They like it!  This is so new to me, just putting myself out there and not holding anything back.  We were so silent during the three years we tried and failed to get pregnant.  No one knew of our struggles.....but now, everyone is helping us to find our joy.  I want to remember this.  I want to remember the people in my life who were there when I needed it the most.

The Good and the Bad

It's weird how sadness can just overwhelm me in just a few minutes.  I was at the store today and I saw a woman and her daughter.  They looked identical.  It made me sad.  I'm sure that we would have had adorable children and now we'll never know.  Then I feel guilty for feeling sad.  The Lord has a reason for leading us to adoption and I need to be open enough to trust Him.  I can't say I'm not worried.  I want a cute baby!  I know that is worldly and awful, but I look at my niece and nephew and they are so adorable and I can't help but think, I want that too.  But on the other hand, whenever I think about adoption, I am excited.  I'm excited that our baby is out there and that through some wonderful experience, that baby will be led to our home.  I keep having the same fears.......how long????  How long until that baby is in my arms?  How long until I feel like I have a purpose in this life?  I feel like I'm floundering, but being, not really living.  I feel like I am just writing in circles, always about the same things.

On a happy note, we've told everyone.  We posted on Facebook and on our blog and the support was overwhelming.  Everyone is so excited for us!  It really is special and unique that we have been chosen to adopt and not conceive.  Anyone (well almost anyone) can conceive, not everyone gets the opportunity to adopt.  I want to be a mom so bad.  I want to have that experience in THIS life.  I pray daily the Lord will grant me this desire.  I want to experience parenthood with P and all the joys that come along with it.  Please, please, please let it happen sooner rather than later......

ELATED!!!!!

We're approved!!  Our profile is up!!!  Our birth parents can now start finding us.  I don't think I've ever been this nervous and excited all at the same time.  I also have this weird feeling that I can't really explain.  I'm so full of emotions right now, I'm just trying to keep it all together.  Now the waiting really begins......hopefully it won't be a long wait.

Lesson in Patience

I was reading through blogs today and I discovered that the FSA Adoption Conference could have been counted as our Adoption Education Classes.  I couldn't believe it!  I was unable to attend because I was at Youth Conference, but had I known I could have used it as the classes, I would have missed Youth Conference and attended the FSA Adoption Conference.  I was sitting at my computer and I was just getting more and more upset.  I was upset our profile wasn't up yet, I was upset I missed the classes.  I even started looking at other adoption websites to see if we needed to go through someone else.  I was on the verge of complete breakdown when my case worker called.  It was like the Lord knew I needed a win right now and I got it.  All the paperwork is done and approved and it just has to be finalized at committee on Thursday, which means our profile should be up the first of next week!  I can't believe this day has come.  We are finally going to be on the radar and we could just be months away from having a baby.  It is such an exciting time and I am not going to let myself become discouraged.  I am going to move forward with HOPE.

We were headed to Provo yesterday and as we passed Ikea, P asked if we should stop on our way home and look at baby furniture.  I love it when he is excited about a baby.  I love it when he is the one to mention buying baby stuff, or say, "When our kids do this".  I know he is so excited to start a family and I hope that we will be able to bring home a little one very soon.

My 4 year old niece said a prayer last night that was so touching to me.  She said, Please bless that P and A will get a baby.  It can be a baby boy or a baby girl or a little Mexican baby or any other baby that someone wants to give them.  And I like Mexican babies, but any baby is ok.  Just give them a baby.  I love how candid and truthful she is.  I am so excited to be able to teach a little spirit about our Savior Jesus Christ and about our Heavenly Father's love.  I can't wait to be sealed together in the temple for all eternity.

Hopeful....

I realize my last two posts have been negative.  I'm HOPEFUL that I'll have a happy, optimistic post soon. :)

Sad.......

At the beginning of this month I was so excited and hopeful.  We had our home visit on August 1st and I was sure we would have our profile up by the end of the month.  Our case worker told us it usually takes 4 weeks to finish the adoptive study, but if she could have it done sooner, would we mind?  Of course not!!!  I knew that was wishful thinking so I set my mind on having our profile up by the end of August.  We worked on our profile and we were ready.  After sending an email last week and not hearing anything back, I called our case worker today.  She says we are still another 1-2 weeks out because she still has to do an audit on our file and her boss has to do an audit on the file.  I can't help but wonder what's been going on the past 4 weeks?  Has any progress been made?  If I'd called 2 weeks ago, would our profile be up by now?  This process is taking forever.  Every day that passes, I get more and more terrified that we will never be placed with a child.  What will life be like if children aren't a part of it?  I hate not having that feeling of control over what happens in my life.  There are too many other people that I have to rely on to fulfill my goals and dreams.  I'm not used to depending on people that much.  I'm used to fulfilling my own goals and making my own dreams come true.  We're going to try to get to the temple tonight.  Maybe I'll find some answers there........

Crappy Morning

It's weird how little things can make me feel so upset.  I went to the Dr's today to pick up my infertility form.  As I'm waiting in line and pregnant woman after pregnant woman kept coming and going, I started to get a little sad. And then I started to get angry because I was sad.  And then I was embarrassed.  Women don't go to their OB/GYN to pick up infertility forms, they go because they're pregnant.  I know all these feelings were irrational, but I couldn't help it.  It didn't help either that they couldn't find the form and I was sent on a wild goose chase to find it and still came up empty handed.  Which means I get to go back AGAIN and probably experience the same feelings AGAIN!  I left the Dr's holding back tears.  Then I started to get angry at P.  I feel like I'm doing this whole thing alone.  I'm the one filling out forms and getting all the hard copy information and researching the process.  I want a little more support.  I want a little more hands on approach.  I know that's not rational either.  He's working hard and doing everything he can.  My days are full of time, so it should be me that's taking the lead on this.  But I couldn't help those feelings, just the same.  So I bought myself a giant bag of Skittles and I'll drown my sorrows in those and then tomorrow I can feel crappy because I gained back the 4 pounds I lost.

Names

I heard a name last week for a little girl that I liked so I added it to our constantly growing list of baby names.  I always ask Paul which names he likes and we usually don't agree.  However, as I told him this name, he said he really likes it.  I was excited because it was the first name we agreed on.  I checked on Baby Name Wizard what the origin was and what the popularity of the name was.  I was quite surprised to find out the name we BOTH liked meant, "Wished For Child".  I've been taking a lot of things this past little while to be "signs" that we're on the right path.  This name was one of them.  Maybe our first baby is going to be a girl? I kind of hope so because we haven't agreed on a boy name yet. :)

Obsess Much?

I am OBSESSED with blogs.  I thought I blog stalked before, but nothing compares with the blog stalking I'm doing now that we are adopting.  I just can't get enough of reading other couples' stories.  I feel a connection to these women I've never met.  I cry reading their stories and I just love seeing how happy they are!  I love reading about their relationship with their birth parents.  A majority of my time is spent reading blogs.  It is consuming me!

I had a bad day yesterday.  I had the thought that we may NEVER get chosen.  It was too much for me to handle.  I have to have FAITH we have a little baby out there.  I have to believe that.  I also have to have faith in the Lord's timing.  It might not happen in 6 months, it might not happen in 18 months.  I have to be prepared for the timing the Lord has set for me.  I'm trying to find joy in life, but I feel like I am in a waiting pattern.  I hate the WAITING.  I hate waiting to get approved and I'm sure I'll hate waiting to be chosen.  My patience is going to be tested, but I am up for the challenge.  It will all be worth it in the end.

Dream

I've been wondering for awhile what our birth parents will look like.  Every time I see a young teenage couple, I wonder if they will be them.  I know it sounds insane, but I can't help it.  Last night I had a dream.  A beautiful dark haired girl was looking around a door beckoning for me to come.  Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she wore very little makeup.  She was the one who had chosen me and P to be the parents of her baby and she was asking me to come meet the birth father.  I hurriedly went to her, but I never saw the father.  My dreams went on to other things.

Now, I'm not sure if this was just my imagination, or revelation, but it put my mind at ease.  The Lord knows how much I want a little dark haired, dark eyed baby, and maybe this dream was a way to let me know that is the way it could happen.

We are moving along in the process.  Our case worker said that most adoptive couples don't move as fast as we have.  P and I are so anxious to get our profile up, we are doing everything we can to move this process along.  We only have our home visit and Adoption Education Courses left before we can put up our profile.  I am hoping to have the home visit scheduled in the next 2 weeks and then hopefully our profile will be up the end of August (or before).  I want to make sure our birth parents can find us.  Could it be possible I could have a little baby before the end of the year?

Telling Our Families

We FINALLY told our families last weekend we were planning to adopt.  P and I worked really hard to make a video for them to watch.  It was beautifully done and it got our message across quite well.  I was so nervous for days leading up to the announcement.  However, both families reacted just as expected.  With my family there were a lot of tears and hugging.  There were also a lot of questions, which I tried to answer as best as I could.  With P's family, there were silent tears and just hugs from his mom.  His family isn't as openly affectionate as my family is, so I wasn't disappointed.  They were all very happy for us and very excited.  It is such a great relief to have their support and love as we begin this adventure.  I feel their love and know our baby will be loved by them all.

Friends

I went to dinner with my friends tonight.  We've been friends for almost 15 years.  We've been through everything together:  death of parents, marriages, divorces, children, struggles to have children, sickness of parents and on and on.  No matter what the situation, we've been there.  If not in person, then in prayers.  These girls are my best friends and I would do anything for them.  As I talked about starting the adoption procedure, not a single one of them was without a tear in their eyes.  As we talked, one of my friends told me that her husband who rarely fasts, fasted for me and P.  It is such a blessing to know that I am loved.  That I am lucky enough to have friends to help me through this tough time.  They asked if it would be ok if they did a fast for me and P in July.  Of course I started crying and said it would be great.  Honestly, who has friends like that?  More and more I see the Lord's hand in my life.  Out of our struggles, miracles and blessings have happened.  Although this process has been extremely difficult and emotionally straining, I'm thankful for the blessings I've received because of it.  I'm thankful for the relationship I've created with P and with my Heavenly Father.  I'm thankful for the answers I've received and the comforting arms of the Spirit in my times of sorrow and confusion. There are many more difficult days ahead, but each and every one of them will be worth it, when we finally have that child of our own.

Frustrated

The adoption process has barely started and I'm already frustrated beyond belief.  Our first meeting with LDS Family Services was on Friday May 6th.  We took home a packet,which we promptly filled out and returned on the following Wednesday, May 11th.  I waited one very long week to find out if the Bishop had returned his recommendation letter......he hadn't.  I waited another week and another.  Finally, I called the Bishop to find out what the hold up was.  He said he had never received the letter.  At which point, I couldn't handle it any longer and I burst into tears.  After a call to my friend at LDSFS, she hand delivered the letter to the bishop and he mailed in the recommendation the next day.  I waited 3 whole days before checking to make sure they had it.  3 whole days!!!  On June 6th, they said they received it and we could finally be assigned a case worker to begin the Intake Interview.  It has been another 3 horrifically long days and still nothing.   No case worker, no phone call, nothing.  I can't help but wonder what is going on over there!

HOLD THE PRESSES!  I just got a phone call from my case worker while I was typing this.  HALLELUJAH!!!  Our intake interview has been scheduled.  The process is started.  I am so excited.  I honestly can't wait until we have our little baby and I'm holding him/her in my arms.  This process is going to be much more difficult than I originally thought.  I pray for the patience to make it through.

Every Child I Look At

When you have a biological child of your own, it's easy to picture what your child will look like:  his eyes, your nose, etc.  But when you are adopting, the child could look like anyone.  I find myself looking at every child I see and wondering if that is what our child is going to look like.  Are they going to have light hair or dark?  Are they going to have blue or brown eyes?  Will they be athletic or intellectual?  All the things you can kind of imagine for your child are suddenly a big unknown.  But there is one thing that remains constant: my desire to be a mom.  It doesn't matter to me what color their hair is.  It doesn't matter to me if they are going to be the star baseball player.  None of that matters as much as having a child that we can call ours.

Tough Day

Today has been a tough day.  I was putting on my shirt and as I was looking in my full length mirror, I started crying.  I stuck my belly out and realized that I would never get to experience the feeling of being pregnant.  I would never get to buy maternity clothes, or feel my baby move inside me.  It brought me a feeling of sorrow, of loss for something I will never have.

I also spent a lot of time today looking at adoption profiles.  I focused on the families that had already adopted.  I wanted to see how the children "fit" into their families.  They all seemed so happy and the part that is the most important is that they looked like they "belonged" to that particular family.  I feel that adoption is a divine process and the birth family is led to the adoptive family.  They are joined in a bond that was eternally destined.

Our first meeting with LDS Family Services is on Friday.  That day seems so far away.  I'm ready to start now.  I'm ready to bring a special little soul into our family.  I'm ready to give of my love and I can't wait to teach this little baby about their loving Heavenly Father and all the blessings He's given and is willing to give.

I can only pray that I'll have a happy ending and that my little family of 2 will soon be a family of 3.

Women's Conference

I had the wonderful opportunity to take 2 days and go to Women's Conference.  I was excited to go this year because there were two classes I really wanted to go to.  One was on Infertility and the Gospel Plan and the other one was on Adoption.  I didn't really feel anything special at the first one, but the class on Adoption was amazing.  I walked into the room and it was a small gathering.  There were only about 25 people there, but the spirit that was felt the instant you walked into the room was unmistakable.  There were three women who spoke of their experiences:  a mother who had adopted, a woman who worked with birth mothers and a grandmother of a baby that was placed for adoption.

The moderator said something that confirmed to me that our decision was right.  She said that all children are Heavenly Father's children and all parents are adoptive parents.  This was something I had thought just a week earlier in my post, Meant to Be Ours.  To see the love from this adoptive mother in reference to her daughter, who was there with her, was amazing.  Tears were flowing from everyone in the room.

The social worker said something that struck me to my core, Birth Mothers are the most incredible women in the world.  I'm embarrassed to say, I hadn't really given much thought to the birth mom's, other than to get excited at the prospect of getting a baby.  But as the social worker continued talking, I realized what a difficult decision it must be to decide to place your baby into someone else's arms and trust they will give your baby the love and care it deserves.  The birth mom's truly are incredible women.  To give up your child is, without a doubt, the most selfless gift that any mortal woman could ever give.

One other thing I hadn't given much thought to was that the birth mother isn't the only one giving something up.  For each birth mom, there are grandparents and great grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews that love this unborn baby and will never get to experience the joy of watching the child grow up.  The birth mom isn't the only one who will be affected.  There is a whole support system that will forever be touched by the birth mom's decision.

One last thing the moderator said was that for the birth mother and for the adoptive couple, adoption started with tragedy, but ends with joy.

The spirit was so strong and I know that adoption will be a wonderful experience.

The First One to Know

My wonderful visiting teacher came over today.  She has known of my infertility struggle for many years and always checks in to see how we're doing.  P loves her too and we joke that she is his visiting teacher as well as mine.  He usually just hangs out in the kitchen and listens, but tonight when J asked where we were on having kids, I looked at P and he had tears in his eyes.  I took this as a sign that we could tell J.  So with tears in my eyes, I told her we were planning on adopting.  She looked at me and then at P and she said how much she loved us and that she could tell how much we truly loved each other and were going to love our future babies.  She said she felt we had this special love for one another that you don't see all the time.  I had to agree with her. P and I haven't been without our trials, but there is no doubt that my love for him has grown exponentially since the day we were married.  This is a testimony to me that in the midst of trials, great blessings shine through.

The Best Husband in the World

Today was Easter.  P and I went to his parents to celebrate the day.  During the hour long car ride, I told P that I thought we should have his cousin take our pictures for the Adoption Profile.  He looked at me and asked if that is what we've decided to do.  I told him about the thoughts I'd had a couple days earlier (see previous blog post, Meant To Be Ours) and I felt we should adopt.  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said he felt the same way.  He reached over to hold my hand and together we realized we felt the same way.  We both felt confusion whenever we thought about IVF, but were both enveloped by such peace whenever we thought about adoption.  He told me how ready he was to be a parent.  I don't know why, but to a girl that is the most romantic thing a guy can say.  I felt such overwhelming love for him.  He is going to be a great dad and I can't wait to share this experience with him.

MEANT TO BE OURS

After years of trying to conceive, my husband said the words that changed everything:  Don’t you think there are little souls that are meant to be ours, whether they come from us or from someone else?  It doesn’t matter how they get here, they are meant to be ours.  Those were the right words, at the right moment.  So powerful, so true.  In the eternal scheme, it doesn’t matter how we get a baby.  We are only entrusted to them by our Heavenly Father for a short time anyway.  They are His children, we are just here to help raise them in mortality. 

I’ve always dreamt of being a mother and then once you meet Prince Charming, you picture what your children will look like.  I always envisioned she would have his eyes, and my legs.  They would have his wit and my sensitivity.  The girls would get his natural curl and the boys would get my straight hair.  All of them would be precious brown haired, brown eyed pieces of us.  Pieces of two parents who loved each other very much and wanted to share that love through a family of their own. 

But sometimes, life doesn’t give you what you want.  You can have the best intentions and life chooses to take you in a different direction.  That’s what happened to us.  Ours wasn’t a typical story.  I graduated with a Bachelor’s in Accounting and went right to work.  I loved working.  I loved the deadlines and the meetings and the satisfaction of seeing things done.  P graduated 3 years later and went to work as well.  Over the course of 7 years, we worked and moved and decided it was never “the right time” to have children.  We went through trials that strengthened  and proved our love.  I discovered that P is the most wonderful, forgiving, kindest, loving man I’d ever met.  I wanted nothing more than to see him as a father to our children.  So we put all our fears aside, and after 7 years of marriage, we took the plunge……..we started “trying”. 

What a stupid word.  What a lame, useless, dumb word.  People can “try” all they want, but sometimes trying doesn’t lead to doing.  I went to dinner with my three best friends right after we decided to start “trying”.  I cried as I told them we were going to “try” to have a baby.  They were all excited for me.   However, weeks turned into months and then months turned into years and the heartache just intensified.  The cursed period would come and the pain would follow.

After a year we decided to do something.  So fertility drugs came into play.  5 months later, still nothing.  So then the IUI started and so did the humiliation of going to a clinic and trying to conceive.  It seemed like such a non-traditional way to start a life.  And yet, each time I prayed with all the energy of my heart that I would see the two lines on the pregnancy test.  And each time I only saw the dreaded one.  I am grateful for the three cycles we did though.  I loved that time I got to spend with P.  We would always go to breakfast or lunch depending on the time of day and we would just enjoy the time we had together.  It was weird, but for those couple of hours, we had no worries.  We didn’t worry about jobs, or babies, or callings; we just spent time together.  It’s something I will always treasure.

It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant.  At one point there were 27 women pregnant in my neighborhood.  I felt so alone.  I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to become pregnant.  I started to wonder if I was being punished for the sins of my past, or if I wasn’t ready to be entrusted with a soul of our Heavenly Father’s.  It was a very difficult and sad time for me.  Then came the day when we had to make a decision, keep doing IUI, or move on to In-Vitro or Adoption.  IUI didn’t feel right anymore, so the next step needed to be decided. 

I investigated IVF and adoption extensively.  I looked at websites and read testimonials.  I considered the financial aspects of each.  I was always left confused and overwhelmed after I looked at the IVF sites.  But then I decided to look at the LDS Family Services website.  I browsed hundreds of profiles.  I wanted to see the families that were looking for children.  I wanted to know how I compared.  But as I was looking through them, I realized I was actually looking at the couples who had already adopted before and one thing was clear in every single picture…….the child that was placed with them was the child that was meant to be theirs.  There was no doubt in my mind.  Each and every child was with the right family.  It was amazing how much the children looked like the parents and the love on the parent’s faces was apparent in every single picture. 

After talking to a friend of mine about adoption, I felt that would be the right decision for us.  And looking back, I believe the Lord told me that a year ago.  At Stake Conference in 2010, there was a woman in our ward who talked about her experience with adoption.  I felt such a strong feeling at that meeting that she was doing a wonderful thing.  The thought came to me that I should adopt.  At the time, I dismissed the thought.  I had been trying for over a year and thought I was just being emotional.  However, now I think the Lord was trying to help prepare me.  He knew it would take some time for me to become ready. 

So, here we are.  Beginning to look at adoption.  Dreading the conversation with our parents telling them the heartache and struggle we’ve been going through.  Hoping for compassion and most of all, for acceptance. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  All that matters is……..they are meant to be ours.