After years of trying to conceive, my husband said the words that changed everything: Don’t you think there are little souls that are meant to be ours, whether they come from us or from someone else? It doesn’t matter how they get here, they are meant to be ours. Those were the right words, at the right moment. So powerful, so true. In the eternal scheme, it doesn’t matter how we get a baby. We are only entrusted to them by our Heavenly Father for a short time anyway. They are His children, we are just here to help raise them in mortality.
I’ve always dreamt of being a mother and then once you meet Prince Charming, you picture what your children will look like. I always envisioned she would have his eyes, and my legs. They would have his wit and my sensitivity. The girls would get his natural curl and the boys would get my straight hair. All of them would be precious brown haired, brown eyed pieces of us. Pieces of two parents who loved each other very much and wanted to share that love through a family of their own.
But sometimes, life doesn’t give you what you want. You can have the best intentions and life chooses to take you in a different direction. That’s what happened to us. Ours wasn’t a typical story. I graduated with a Bachelor’s in Accounting and went right to work. I loved working. I loved the deadlines and the meetings and the satisfaction of seeing things done. P graduated 3 years later and went to work as well. Over the course of 7 years, we worked and moved and decided it was never “the right time” to have children. We went through trials that strengthened and proved our love. I discovered that P is the most wonderful, forgiving, kindest, loving man I’d ever met. I wanted nothing more than to see him as a father to our children. So we put all our fears aside, and after 7 years of marriage, we took the plunge……..we started “trying”.
What a stupid word. What a lame, useless, dumb word. People can “try” all they want, but sometimes trying doesn’t lead to doing. I went to dinner with my three best friends right after we decided to start “trying”. I cried as I told them we were going to “try” to have a baby. They were all excited for me. However, weeks turned into months and then months turned into years and the heartache just intensified. The cursed period would come and the pain would follow.
After a year we decided to do something. So fertility drugs came into play. 5 months later, still nothing. So then the IUI started and so did the humiliation of going to a clinic and trying to conceive. It seemed like such a non-traditional way to start a life. And yet, each time I prayed with all the energy of my heart that I would see the two lines on the pregnancy test. And each time I only saw the dreaded one. I am grateful for the three cycles we did though. I loved that time I got to spend with P. We would always go to breakfast or lunch depending on the time of day and we would just enjoy the time we had together. It was weird, but for those couple of hours, we had no worries. We didn’t worry about jobs, or babies, or callings; we just spent time together. It’s something I will always treasure.
It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant. At one point there were 27 women pregnant in my neighborhood. I felt so alone. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to become pregnant. I started to wonder if I was being punished for the sins of my past, or if I wasn’t ready to be entrusted with a soul of our Heavenly Father’s. It was a very difficult and sad time for me. Then came the day when we had to make a decision, keep doing IUI, or move on to In-Vitro or Adoption. IUI didn’t feel right anymore, so the next step needed to be decided.
I investigated IVF and adoption extensively. I looked at websites and read testimonials. I considered the financial aspects of each. I was always left confused and overwhelmed after I looked at the IVF sites. But then I decided to look at the LDS Family Services website. I browsed hundreds of profiles. I wanted to see the families that were looking for children. I wanted to know how I compared. But as I was looking through them, I realized I was actually looking at the couples who had already adopted before and one thing was clear in every single picture…….the child that was placed with them was the child that was meant to be theirs. There was no doubt in my mind. Each and every child was with the right family. It was amazing how much the children looked like the parents and the love on the parent’s faces was apparent in every single picture.
After talking to a friend of mine about adoption, I felt that would be the right decision for us. And looking back, I believe the Lord told me that a year ago. At Stake Conference in 2010, there was a woman in our ward who talked about her experience with adoption. I felt such a strong feeling at that meeting that she was doing a wonderful thing. The thought came to me that I should adopt. At the time, I dismissed the thought. I had been trying for over a year and thought I was just being emotional. However, now I think the Lord was trying to help prepare me. He knew it would take some time for me to become ready.
So, here we are. Beginning to look at adoption. Dreading the conversation with our parents telling them the heartache and struggle we’ve been going through. Hoping for compassion and most of all, for acceptance.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. All that matters is……..they are meant to be ours.
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