It's Almost Time!

Baby C is due in 12 days. 12 days!!!  I cannot believe it.  Our house has been in project mode for weeks now trying to get everything ready.  Finishing the basement, preparing the nursery, getting gifts for E and her parents, buying EVERYTHING at Babies R Us.  I feel almost ready.....almost.  This is a really strange time for me right now.  I'll walk by the nursery and instead of happiness, I feel fear.  I picture his little tiny self in the car seat and I get so excited, but then my next thought is, what if we don't get to bring him home.  I'm trying every single day to turn that fear over to the Lord, but for now, I guess I'll just have to take the fear with the excitement.  I just have to say, there is nothing that makes me love P more than walking down the hall and seeing him just standing in the doorway of the nursery just looking.  He is as excited as I am.  I knew that for a fact when he turned down going out with friends Saturday night so we could put together the dresser and the crib.  I guess we are officially grown ups.

Baby C has decided to make things difficult for E and is breech.  She goes to the doctor today to find out if he's turned into the correct position.  If he hasn't, E has to decide whether to try and turn him (which could end in an emergency C section if the baby's heartrate escalates), or to just schedule a C section.  I really want him to turn so E can have a quick recovery!  However, it would be nice to know the exact time he will be entering the world, so we could be there.  I can't wait to meet this little guy and smother him with kisses and tell him how much his mom loves him.  Mom.......that's a wonderful word.

Trials That Lead to Blessings

P and I were driving home from Idaho Sunday.  P wasn't feeling well so I was driving.  It's a 3 hour drive,which leaves a lot of time for thinking.  Lately my thoughts have been about trials.  There are so many struggling right now, I wish I could take away all their pain.  As I started looking back on the trials in my life, I realized that some of my greatest blessings have come from those trials.

1)  Trial:  Death of my mom at the young age of 41
    Blessing:  The testimony that the Lord is aware of me and loves me.  To this day, I have never felt the         Spirit as strongly as I did that Sunday afternoon when my dad laid his hands upon my head and gave me a blessing.  The spirit enveloped me like a blanket and was with me until after the funeral, a short week later.  To be clear, the spirit never left me, it just wasn't as strong as it was when I needed it the most.

2)  Trial:  Living apart from P for 1 1/2 years (only seeing each other on the weekends), while he tried to get our business up and running and I worked 2 1/2 hours away.
    Blessing:  Once we were back together, we had to work extremely hard, but out of all that hard work came a stronger marriage and more happiness together than I could ever imagine.

3)  Trial:  Unemployment for both of us
    Blessing:  The opportunity for me to start my own business, which would allow me to work from home and be a stay at home mom at the same time, while making more money and working half the time.

4)  Trial:  Infertility
    Blessing:  Adoption.  Again, the opportunity to see the Lord's hand in our lives and to be able to experience the wonderful miracle of adoption.

While I was going through these trials, I didn't exactly see the blessings.  But looking back on them now, it is very apparent that these trials were for my good and brought me strength beyond compare.

Emotions

I received an email from E today asking if we had any questions, now that the delivery date is getting closer.  I mentioned we would be interested to hear the hospital plan once she is ready.  She emailed right back.  She said she's requested a private room and also requested a copy of his keepsakes (bracelet, name plate, etc.), but she also requested a copy for us.  She is going to be leaving as soon as she is released, but has requested that we have a room to stay with Baby Boy until he is released.  After 72 hours, she will meet with the case worker and sign the papers.  While I was excited to hear the plan, my heart just felt so unbelievably sad.  I just can't imagine the pain she will be going through.  She has been having a really hard time and while her decision has never changed, I know she is going to be struggling.  She keeps her emotions pretty well hidden and doesn't seem to want to really talk about anything.  I'm not even sure that the "placement" between the baby and us will actually take place.  I don't know that she will actually be able to place the baby in our arms.  She seems to want to distance herself from everything that's happening.  Since this is our first adoption, I don't know if this is normal.  I'm really worried about her and want her to be able to know how much we love and support her.  But I don't want to step on any toes.  I'm not the best at expressing emotion and sometimes I wish she could just KNOW how much we care about her!!  I wish she could see into our hearts.  While this is going to be the most wonderful day of our lives, I also realize it is going to be the hardest.  How can you be so happy and so sad at the same time?  I know everything will work out, and I will just keep praying E will be ok and make it through this somehow.

The Best Mother's Day Gift

I received a card in the mail yesterday from E.  I was so excited, I opened it right there in the post office.  It brought tears to my eyes.  The card said, "If ever someone was meant to be a mom, it was you.  Happy Mother's Day".  She wrote some really nice things in the card and included some ultrasound pictures.  I really wanted those ultrasound pictures.  I wanted to be able to show them to my friends and family just like they were all able to show me theirs.  It helped me to feel more like a mother to be.

As each day passes and we get closer and closer to the day we get to bring baby boy home, I feel more and more like this was the plan that was always meant for us.  E fits perfectly into our lives. She is like us, her family is like us.  We get along so well, and I know we will have a great open relationship in the future.  I am so incredibly grateful for E and the wonderful sacrifice she is making.  This thing called Adoption is such a sacred, unique experience.  I'm lucky I get to be a part of it.

Celebrating Being a Mommy to Be

Mother's Day has been a hard day for me for a number of years and as such, I usually turn off my alarm (or not even set it) on Mother's Day, curl back up in my bed and wait to enter the waking world until late afternoon.  In the past 12 years, I have only been to church on Mother's Day a handful of times.  Ever since my mom passed away, I found church on Mother's Day to be extremely painful.  It was hard for me to hear everyone talking about how special their mom's were and how grateful they were to have them around.  It was just too difficult and I found myself getting very angry thinking about how I didn't have my mom around to celebrate with.  Then once we started trying to have kids, and were unable to, it just made Mother's Day unbearable.  That was the one day a year, where I just felt like I was given a raw deal.  I was sulky and mean.  How unfair that not only do I not have a mother around anymore, but I don't get to be a mother?!  So I'd sleep in, eat whatever I wanted, watch TV (Gasp! On a Sunday!), and then suck it up because we still had to go celebrate with P's mom.  P's mom was and is great.  She always made me feel comfortable and always asked about my mom.  I think she knows what a hard day Mother's Day is for me.

This Mother's Day was a little different.  While I still miss my mom incredibly and was a little tentative to attend church, this year I had hope.  I am a mommy-to-be!  I had something to celebrate!  P brought me flowers and a gift card on Saturday night.  Then on Sunday he wrote me the sweetest, most thoughtful card.  Church was still a little hard, but the speaker said something that brought tears to my eyes:  Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and the women who wish to be mothers.  Overall, it was a good Sunday and I am so thankful for my beautiful mom.  She was a great example of the mom I hope to be.  Although I only had her for 21 years, she taught me life-long lessons.  I know she is with my little baby boy right now, strengthening and preparing him for this journey we call life. :)

Trials

I've been thinking a lot about trials lately and trying to understand why some people seem to be swallowed up in them, while others seem to lead such a charmed life.  And for those who struggle with infertility, it seems like that should be trial enough, but lately, that seems to be only the beginning.  I recently came across this blog:  www.sheldonandjulieo.blogspot.com.  What a heartbreaking story.  After 7 years of infertility, they are blessed with a son.  When her son is 2 1/2 years old, he and her husband drown in a tragic accident.  I still get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I think about her story.  My heart just breaks for her.  Another adoptive mom (a sister of a woman in my ward), adopted her son 2 years ago.  Just yesterday she had surgery for a brain tumor and has lost all the hearing in her left ear.  Another blogger friend who recently adopted has a similar story to mine:  lost her mother way too young and then struggled to become a mother herself.  I look around and see so many people who seemingly have a perfect life.  I wonder what their trials are.  I have to remind myself that just because I can't see their trials, doesn't mean they don't have them, or that they won't have them in the future.  And then I have to remind myself, I chose these trials.  The Lord knew my strength and knew I could handle them.  He also knew what I needed in order to grow spiritually.  Maybe those I'm envying don't need that.  So, I will empathize and sympathize with those who are suffering around me and I will continue to pray for them to have comfort and peace and most importantly, strength.  I won't focus on the trials I've had in my life (even though at times they seem like doozies).  I'll look at them as learning and growing experiences........all part of who I am now.  And that person, is a person I kinda like.

Meeting our Birth Mom

P and I flew to Arizona this past weekend to meet our birth mom, E.  I didn't sleep for days leading up to our trip.  By the time we flew into Arizona and then drove 3 hours to where E lives, I was exhausted.  But there wasn't any time to be tired.  We were meeting her and her friend for dinner.  I was so, so nervous!  P was nervous too.  But when we arrived at the restaurant and we walked in and saw E, everything was alright.  It was just like meeting an old friend.  We handed her the gift basket we brought (Bath and Body lotions, shower gel, foot scrub, socks, lip gloss, loofah, etc), and hugged.  It was so nice to FINALLY be able to meet the woman who is giving us the opportunity to be parents.  I was expecting a full blown Q&A session at dinner, but that wasn't how it was.  We just talked and caught up on each other's lives.

Dessert was brought and then E asked if we had any questions.  I only had 2 unanswered questions.  I asked if she was ok talking about the father.  She showed us a picture of him and told us he was an Ex-Marine who felt like he'd been given a raw deal and the world owed him everything.  She doesn't know where he is now and that was really all she said about him.  It was nice to just be able to put a little description and a face to the father.  It really helped put my mind at ease.  Then I asked if she had a birth plan yet.  She said she hadn't made one yet, but was doing that with her case worker the next time they met.  I was a little disappointed she didn't have that in place, but I can handle waiting a little longer.  We were at dinner for about 2 1/2 hours and then I think we were all tired, so we said goodbye until the next day.

The next day we took E to lunch, just the 3 of us.  It was a little better to have her all to ourselves, so we could talk more and get to know her better.  We brought our Android Tablet and showed her pictures of our families and our home, and let her get to know us a little better.  She seemed really interested and liked looking at everything.  After lunch we met her two sisters at the bowling alley.  We bowled a couple of games, and again, it wasn't a Q&A session.  It was just friends getting together and getting to know each other.  I really liked her sisters and P was totally on his game.  He is so good with new people and instantly puts them at ease.  He was funny and charming and really stole the show.  I'm a little more shy and reserved, but I think they liked both of us.  After the bowling was over, E asked if we had plans for the next day.  We didn't, so she asked if we would like to meet her parents.  We, of course, said yes.  She told us her mom was having a really hard time with everything, so she didn't know if she would be there, but she would like us to meet her dad.  She said she'd text us in the morning and let us know the plan.

That night, P and I went to dinner and a movie.  It was nice to be out, just the two of us, and be able to spend time together.  We are together ALOT, but most of the time we are with either our family and friends.  Not very often do just the two of us get to go out alone.  I loved being able to have him all to myself. :)

The next day, E asked if we would come to her parents house for dinner at 5.  Both P and I were beyond nervous.  We weren't sure if her mom would welcome us or if she would be stand offish towards us.  I was worried there might be a confrontation of some kind.  But that night we arrived for dinner and all our worries were put aside.  Both E's parents were kind and hospitable.  We were there for about 3 1/2 hours and we just told stories, and ate.  It felt like being at our own families.  We fit right in and we loved them all instantly.  E's sisters, brother-in-law and nephews and niece were all there too.  The kids were adorable!!  It was an absolutely wonderful evening.

As we were leaving, E and her dad walked us out to our car.  E's dad explained that E's mom was having a really hard time and he was trying to help her see that this really was the best thing for E.  It seems like E's dad is such a wonderful support to her.  I liked him instantly.  He is such a great guy!  I got kind of choked up when I told them that we understood how difficult this is for them, and that we were so grateful for the decision E has made.  Both E and her dad said they were both so excited for us to start our family and what a great thing this is.  What an amazing family!  Seriously, we are so lucky.  E did say that it was important we met her family before we met at the hospital, so it wouldn't be so hard.  That was a weight lifted off both P and I.  We weren't sure if she wanted us there after the baby was born, but it sounds like we'll get to be there.  She also said there will come a point after the baby is born that she will want to back off from communication so she can heal and so we can be our own family.  I'm willing to do what she wants, but I hope she wants to have a part in this babies life.  I want the baby to know his amazing, wonderful birth mom.

I can definitely see Heavenly Father's hand in this.  The way E came to find us, the way her family is so much  like mine and P's.  The way we both seem to want the same kind of openness.  This has truly been a humbling, strengthening experience.  There are only 14 weeks left until we see E again.  Only that time, we'll be coming home with a baby.  Oh, joy!!

Meeting E

We are headed to Arizona this weekend to finally meet E!  I have been a bundle of nerves for weeks now.  I'm not too nervous to meet her, but I am EXTREMELY nervous to meet her sisters.  I keep trying to think how I would react if one of my sister's told me they were going to place their baby.  I know I would want to be supportive, but I do know it would be hard for me to let my future nephew go.  So I hope and pray we will be able to have a nice time together and their minds will be put at ease once they meet us.  I have so many questions for E and I hope she is open to answering them.  The last thing I want to do is offend her!  But, I need to know more about the father.  Any information she is willing to give will help ease my mind.  I am also hoping we can talk about her birth plan and the openness we all want in the future. Most of all though, I just want her to feel comfortable in her decision to place with me and P and to have that decision confirmed after she meets us.  I keep joking with everyone that maybe she'll change her mind once she meets us in person, but that is a real fear.  I am SCARED TO DEATH!  With only 15 weeks left (Ahhhhhh!!!!),  we would be devastated if she changed her mind.  I still have a comfortable feeling whenever I think about her and I think everything will work out, but there is always a possibility it won't.  But, I'm moving forward with happiness and excitement, because that's the only thing to do. :)  We are SOOOOOOO excited to have Baby Boy coming to our home in August.

Something's Missing

Lately I've been having the craziest feeling.  I'll be doing something and I get such an unrestful feeling.  I look around and stand up wondering what I should be doing that I'm not.  I feel like I'm preparing myself already for this baby.  That the times are limited where I can just sit and play games with friends, or watch TV and not have to worry about where baby boy is.  I'm ok with that.  This post is weird, because I don't really have anything to say, except I wanted to remember the feelings I've been having.  So that's that. :)

Your Baby

I got a call from a friend yesterday asking, "When is your baby due again?".  I didn't say anything for a second, and then laughed nervously.  It was such a wonderful question.  No one had ever phrased it like that.  When is YOUR baby due?  It felt like a question you would ask if I were pregnant.  I told my friend that was weird to hear her say that and she said, Well, it is your baby.  Just because it's coming a different way doesn't mean it's not your baby.  I so appreciated that she would ask me that question.  Most people say, THE baby, or when is the birth mom due.  They don't really associate the baby with US.  That was the most beautiful question I've heard.  When is MY baby due.  Love it!!

Freaking Out!

So this weekend, we told our families that we've been chosen.  We did a really cute poster to tell them the announcement and they were all in shock.  I've never seen them so happy and excited.  There were a lot of tears and hugs.  It was such an awesome, amazing weekend.  We figured since we'd told our families, we could tell our friends and it has just spread like wildfire.  Everyone is so supportive and excited for us.  But now, I'm having "teller's remorse".  I am FREAKING OUT!!!  What if she changes her mind? We should have waited.  We should have waited a few weeks or months to make sure she didn't want to change her mind.  I just keep praying that she continually feels the peace and comfort she originally felt when she decided to choose us.  When does this get easier?  I am SO, SO happy and can't wait to welcome this little boy into our lives, but there is still so much uncertainty.  I keep repeating Faith and Fear cannot co-exist.....choose Faith.  But, it's not really working.  I can't concentrate.  I just keep looking for emails from her telling us she made a mistake.  She's changed her mind.  I can't handle it.  The devastation.  The pity and sorrow and sadness we'd get from other people.  And then when I think to myself, you wouldn't be able to handle it, I instantly say to myself, Of course you can handle it.  You can handle it because that's what you do.  You can handle it because there's nothing else you can do.

And what are the odds, that in less than a week, she would all of a sudden realize she made a mistake.  This isn't like buying a pair of shoes.  This is the biggest decision of her life.  Hopefully, she was 100% sure.  Hopefully, the decision was prayerful and she received confirmation.  Hopefully, she see's us as her partners in this.

Ok, I've just calmed down a little.  I just received an email from E asking if we told any of our family the happy news.  For now, it's ok.  For now, she's still chosen us.  Just breathe.  Have Faith.  You can do this.

We've Been Chosen!!!

I received an email from E yesterday afternoon.  We don't usually receive emails in the middle of the day from her, so I was instantly nervous.  Then when I started reading the email, I was afraid.  The first line said, I don't think this is the best way to tell you this.  I froze.  Oh my gosh.  She's going to tell us she's gone with some other couple.  Then the next line said that she's been getting to know us for quite some time and has grown to care for us.  I'll be honest.  It still sounded like she was going to "break up" with us.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  I skimmed down through the email to find the part I was waiting for.......And there it was.  The one line that will change our lives forever:  I would love for you guys to adopt my baby boy.  You are the couple I have chosen to adopt my baby.  Oh my gosh.  I just started bawling.  Now that I knew it was good news, I went back and read through the whole email.  It was so sweet and loving.  I hurried and called P, but he didn't answer.  So I sent him a text to call me as soon as he could.  He called me a few minutes later and I could tell he was choked up.  He asked, Did you get the email?  I think we were both crying.  I just wanted him home with me so we could hug and cry and talk!  What an amazing moment.  After we hung up, I just sat in a daze for awhile.  I felt weird.  I don't think weird is the right way to describe it, but I definitely felt different.  The word "son" took on a whole new meaning and it didn't seem to make sense anymore.  I felt like I needed to do something, but I didn't know what to do.  After I composed myself, I called our caseworker to let her know.  After we talked, I was a little calmer, so I started writing our email back to E.  What can you possibly say?  How do you put into words the emotion that you're feeling.  I took my time and just wrote what I felt.  What I would have said if she were in front of me.  Now more than ever I want to meet her.  I want to tell her in person how amazing she is.  I want to hug her and comfort her.  I'm very aware that while P and I are so extremely happy, she is hurting.  She did say she feels peace with her decision, but I still can't imagine that the pain is completely gone.  It still feels unreal.  It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that after 4 years, we are going to be parents.  I keep walking by our office that we will turn into a nursery and thinking to myself, "There's going to be a baby in there".  There is so much to do.  So much to prepare.  I love E so much and am so glad she gets to be a part of our lives forever.

It's a Boy

E had her 20 week appointment yesterday, which also meant she got to find out what she has having.  P and I were so sure it was going to be a girl, so of course it was a BOY!  E was so cute and sent us a picture of the ultrasound.  I don't know why, but I started crying when I saw it and every time I think about it, I start tearing up.  I think it's because that could be the first picture of our baby.  That could be our son.  Our Son.  The words don't sound real.  I was also just a little bit sad.  Sad that I wouldn't ever get to experience what it feels like to see my little boy or girl moving around in my belly.  Having the doctor show me the ultrasound.  Hearing the heartbeat and feeling the baby move.  But I guess in the end, it doesn't matter if I miss out on those things.  Those things are just leading to the best thing of all......having a baby.  The more involved we become with E, the more terrified I become that she won't choose us. P is so excited to be a dad and he's always saying things like, "she wouldn't say that if she wasn't considering us, or why would she send us a picture of the ultrasound if she didn't want to choose us?".   He is as ready as I am to start our family.  I don't want to see him in pain.  I want him to have everything he wants.  I keep praying for E and that she will be led to the right parents for her baby, but I can't help but hope those parents are us.  Everyone keeps saying, if she doesn't choose you, then that wasn't your baby.  Your baby is still out there and you wouldn't want to just have "a" baby, and not "your" baby, would you?  Well actually, I don't think I would know the difference.  I think I would love any baby because I wouldn't know that baby wasn't supposed to be "my" baby.  I am remaining hopeful and optimistic.  We could very well be planning for a baby in August.......a baby boy. :)

Just Do It

We met with our caseworker on Friday.  We talked about E and we asked a zillion questions.  P and I have been very timid about asking E any questions and even side stepping a lot of the "baby"/"adoption" talk.  We didn't want E to think that was the only reason we were emailing with her.  Which is really silly, because of course we wouldn't have this relationship if we weren't both interested in adoption.  Our case worker told us we just need to go for it.  Just ask all the questions we have.  So we did.  We asked E our questions and we mentioned that we would love to meet.  As soon as I pressed send on the email, my heart started beating so fast.  I was sooooo nervous.  Thankfully, she replied right away (as she always does).  And she answered our questions with no problems and said she would really like to meet us too so when the time comes she would love that.  She said that she has made the decision to place and has started the paperwork.  She also said, if she were to choose us, she wouldn't be happier with her decision.  I don't think she's quite ready to make a decision, but hopefully she's getting closer, one way or the other.  And hopefully we'll be planning a trip soon to actually get to meet her!

Unsure

We've been encouraging E since we first started emailing to meet with someone at LDS Family Services so she can feel more comfortable with placing for adoption.  We talked with our case worker, who found the case worker in E's area that she could call.  We gave all the information to E and she was very happy to finally have someone to talk to.  She set up the appointment with her case worker and met with him yesterday.  Throughout the 3 1/2 weeks we've been emailing, I've always had a pretty good feeling about the situation.  I even allowed myself to "kind of" start planning and dreaming that this would be our baby.

We got an email from E yesterday telling us about the meeting.  There wasn't anything "wrong" with the email, but there was definitely something "different" about it.  Both P and I felt really discouraged after reading it.  It wasn't as warm and comforting as the other ones have been.  It seemed a little distant.  I'm not sure if we were just reading into it wrong, but it made us feel unsure.  I'm confused, frustrated, and sad.  I'm sure E's caseworker told her she needed to look at other families before she made her decision, and he might have told her she should choose someone closer to her.  I'm not sure if that made her pull back a little, or if it's something else.  We're just going to stay in contact with her and try to be as supportive and kind as we can.

I'm not giving up hope yet.  But this is HARD.  I can't say that enough.  This is HARD!  I've had a lot of trials in my life, including the death of my mom, but this is by far the hardest thing I've had to deal with.  There is just so much ENDURANCE.  The problem is not knowing when the end is.  This process could go on indefinitely, or it could be done in 2 months.  Part of the problem is not knowing.  I have no idea if I will ever get the wonderful blessing of being a mom and that is part of what makes it so hard.

On a higher note, I've really enjoyed getting to know E and think it would be a wonderful relationship should she choose us to be the parents to her sweet little baby.

Continued Contact

We've now been emailing with E for 2 weeks.  We email back and forth a couple times a day.  We found out she is due in August and she finds out today whether it's a boy or a girl.  Sometimes she asks us questions that make me excited, like, "If I were to choose you, would you go through LDSFS?".  That makes me hopeful!  But, in the back of my head, there is always caution.  Don't get too excited.  Don't make plans.  But I can't help it.  Now that I know when she's due, I keep thinking about what needs to get done so we can be ready for the birth.  I started looking at plane tickets and hotel rooms.  I checked our schedule to see when a good weekend would be to go out and meet her.  I am so hopeful that she will choose us!  I'm nervous to find out what she's having.  It will make it so real.  There will be a little boy or girl arriving in August......and that little boy or girl could be ours.  She told us she already has names picked out.  I wonder what they are and what that means?  Does that mean she is connecting with the baby?  Does that mean she doesn't know for sure if she will place?

We talked her into going and visiting with a counselor at LDSFS.  We want what is best for her and we want her to feel completely comfortable with her decision, should she decide to place with us.  The last couple weeks have flown by.  I love waiting to get an email from her and to learn more about her.  I think things will start to get easier once we know for sure whether she picks us or not.  I will be devastated if she decides not to go with us, but I'm trusting in the Lord and that is all I can do right now.

Birth Mom Update

We were contacted by E on Monday morning.  We emailed back and forth all day.  Then it seemed like there wasn't anything left to say, so P and I waited a couple days.  Then on Wednesday night we sent her another email.  We just gave her the link to our LDSFS profile and asked her about some of her favorite things:  tv shows, movies, books, etc.  It was late Wednesday when we sent it, but we woke up the next morning with a reply.  She told us more about her and then she asked us to tell her about open adoptions.  So I sent off a reply explaining what open adoption means and telling her what we wanted in an open adoption.  She sent back a reply just a couple hours later.  She said she wanted to be able to see the baby grow up through pictures, but she would never want to over step her boundaries.  She said it would break her heart to have a closed adoption.  For some reason, her response really hit me.  This is a real girl, who is really thinking about placing her baby.  I finally understood what people meant when they said, her heartbreak would cause our greatest happiness.  Her heart has to break in order to bring me and P joy.  And to me, that was terrifying.  I have already come to care for this girl and I only want what's best for her and her baby.  If that includes me and P, then I will be overjoyed. But it will be hard for me to not think about her and her sadness and her pain.  Talk about mixed feelings.  How can I be so excited and so sad at the same time?  We still haven't asked her when the baby is due or if she knows what she's having.  At that point, it would make it completely real.  Until she decides whether she wants to place with us or not, I'm happy not knowing.  It would be heartbreaking to know when the baby's due date was and not be have that baby in our arms.  I feel really good about E and we feel really comfortable chatting back and forth with her.  I hope this turns into a long term relationship, but only time will tell.

I Don't Believe in Coincidences

I'm not a big faster.  It's hard and I really don't like it.  I'm slightly anemic, so anytime I go without food or water for long periods of time, I get dizzy spells and massive headaches!  A lot of times, I also feel like puking (probably goes along with the dizzy spells and headaches).  But, nothing had really been happening with our adoption process, so I decided to suck it up and do what the Lord had asked me to.  So when Fast Sunday came around this month, I fasted.  It wasn't for 24 hours, it was about 15, but it was a start.  And IT WORKED!  I don't believe in coincidences.  I don't believe it was a coincidence that I fasted and then 2 weeks later we were contacted by a birth mom.  I DO BELIEVE in recognizing the Lord's hand in your life and this was definitely one of those times.  I believe the Lord knew I didn't have a testimony of fasting and He answered my prayers.  I now have a testimony of fasting and I now want to continue fasting.  With the Lord, anything is possible.  For the longest time I've had the feeling that P and I were being denied blessings because we weren't doing everything we'd been asked to do.  I believe by doing the small things, the Lord will bless us in our lives.

Contact

P got an email from his high school girlfriend on Friday.  She mentioned she knew a girl that might be looking to place and wondering if she could pass on our information.  P of course said yes and sent her our blog info.  She mentioned she didn't know her personally, but she had a friend that knew her.  She gave us her friends name and that sent me into investigative mode.  I checked out all the young girls her friend was friends with to see if I could figure out which one might be looking to place.  It took most of my Friday afternoon.  I was not very productive at all!  Then I kept checking our blog to see if anyone from that area had looked at it yet.  There were two hits from around that area, but they came from Facebook and not direct, so I didn't think that was her.  I drove myself crazy all weekend, checking Feedjit every 2 seconds.  I had to know if she had looked at our blog.  I had to know if she had looked and then wasn't interested and that was why we hadn't heard.  By Sunday night, I was kind of a mess.  I figured she just wasn't ready and we had to move on.

But then, Monday morning came.  At 7:59 a.m., we got an email.  Just a couple lines, but there it was!  We had contact.  I couldn't believe it!  Now I had a name.  I started searching again and then I found her.  There she was.......our possible birth mother.  I instantly called P and sent him her pictures and we were both kind of freaking out.  Now we had to compose the perfect response.  I called our case worker to see what she thought. She was on vacation and couldn't help.  So we were left on our own.  It took a couple hours, but we sent back an email.  She responded within a 1/2 hour.  So I met P for lunch so we could compose a reply back.  She responded within an hour.  We were getting to know her.  She seemed wonderful.  This time I had to wait until P got home from work to respond.  We sent our response and she replied right away.  All the emails up to the last one had been full of questions and getting to know each other.  The last email left P and I at a loss.  There was nothing wrong with it, but there just weren't any more questions for us, or really a reason for us to reply.  So we decided to give her a couple days.  We didn't want to overwhelm her and we didn't want to seem over eager.  But now I've been beating myself up for the past 2 days, wondering if she thought we dropped off the face of the earth.  What if she wanted a reply?  What if she thinks we're no longer interested.  I am going crazy!!!

We decided to just get to know her and didn't ask her anything about how far along she was, or if she knew what she was having.  We just wanted her to know, we wanted a relationship with her first.  Waiting for this contact has been hard, and now that we have it, SO many thoughts keep going through my mind.  What if this is our birth mom?  What if she decides to place with us and then changes her mind?  What if she DOESN'T want to place with us and goes with someone else?  What if she decides to parent?  How far along is she?  Will we have time to finish our basement and get the nursery prepared?  Is it a boy or a girl?  I really hope it's a girl, but I would still be overjoyed if it is a boy.  What are some creative ways to tell our families?  I keep picturing P's mom when she finds out.  She will gasp and then cover her mouth and then start to cry.  I can see it all in my head.  I keep thinking about meeting her and what gifts we can take, and how will she tell us that she's chosen us and will we have to hang out in her state for a couple weeks when the baby's born and where will we stay?  P and I could really be parents this year.  This could be happening.  SO. MANY. THOUGHTS.

It's been a couple days and I just can't handle it anymore.  I think I will go ahead and send her a simple email today just letting her know we're thinking of her and see if she needs anything.  It's amazing how much I care for her already.  Ultimately, I just want what's best for her and the baby.  She seems like an incredible woman and I want her to feel comfort, strength and peace as she makes this very difficult decision.

Double Whammy!

Wow!  I heard from 2 of my friends today both updating me on their pregnancies.  One is having a girl (she has two boys right now) and the other one found out she is having twins (she has 3 boys)!!!  It was just a little too much.  I love both these women so much and I am beyond happy for both of them, but I couldn't help but be a little jealous and disappointed in my own situation.  My friend that is having twins is wonderful though.  She asked about me and told me she'll keep praying for me.  She knows how difficult this is and I'm very grateful to have her in my life.  She is amazing!  She recommended I try her doctor so P and I are meeting with him next week.  I have to keep trying something to get a baby.  It doesn't matter to me if I have the baby or if we adopt a baby.  I am just ready to start our family.

What Now?

I'm struggling trying to figure out new ways to get the word out that we are adopting.  We have pass along cards, we've posted on Facebook, my button is on numerous blogs.  And yet......nothing.  I went to post again on Facebook this morning and it just didn't feel right, so I deleted my post.  I need some new ways to let people know.  If I had tons of money, I'd rent a billboard along I-15 and post there. :)  It's time to start thinking outside the box.  I have to get the word out!  I want our birth mom to be able to find us.  I just keep thinking there is a little girl out there waiting for us to find her.  How???  What now?

One Letter

It's been a particularly difficult few weeks.  I've been praying for a few months now that I could get a few more clients for my business.  Heavenly Father granted my request and I went from being part-time to WAY over full time.  It will just be for a short while, until I clean up everyone's books, finish up month end and year end and then I can get back to a normal schedule.  But these past few weeks have been tough.  It was a daily reminder that I had nothing else to fill my days with, except for work, so I may as well take it.

Although it's been hard, I know these clients were an answer to my prayer and that it was Heavenly Father's hand in my life that brought them to me.  I can see him preparing me and P for the time when we become parents.  He is getting everything in order, so when the time is right, we are ready.  In both my work and P's work, we have to work late nights and long hours to finish up a few projects, but once they are done, we will both have more time on our hands and hopefully we will be able to fill them by being parents.

When I walked into my office this morning to start work, there was a letter on my keyboard from P.  It was the sweetest, most loving letter.  It means the world to me that I am so loved by my best friend and that I get to be married to him.  Not everyone is as lucky as I am to be totally in love with the man you married (even after 10 years!).  It was just what I needed to get through the next couple weeks.  He is going to be a wonderful father and I can't wait for the day when I get to see him in action.  That little baby is going to be the luckiest little thing ever!