Unsure

We've been encouraging E since we first started emailing to meet with someone at LDS Family Services so she can feel more comfortable with placing for adoption.  We talked with our case worker, who found the case worker in E's area that she could call.  We gave all the information to E and she was very happy to finally have someone to talk to.  She set up the appointment with her case worker and met with him yesterday.  Throughout the 3 1/2 weeks we've been emailing, I've always had a pretty good feeling about the situation.  I even allowed myself to "kind of" start planning and dreaming that this would be our baby.

We got an email from E yesterday telling us about the meeting.  There wasn't anything "wrong" with the email, but there was definitely something "different" about it.  Both P and I felt really discouraged after reading it.  It wasn't as warm and comforting as the other ones have been.  It seemed a little distant.  I'm not sure if we were just reading into it wrong, but it made us feel unsure.  I'm confused, frustrated, and sad.  I'm sure E's caseworker told her she needed to look at other families before she made her decision, and he might have told her she should choose someone closer to her.  I'm not sure if that made her pull back a little, or if it's something else.  We're just going to stay in contact with her and try to be as supportive and kind as we can.

I'm not giving up hope yet.  But this is HARD.  I can't say that enough.  This is HARD!  I've had a lot of trials in my life, including the death of my mom, but this is by far the hardest thing I've had to deal with.  There is just so much ENDURANCE.  The problem is not knowing when the end is.  This process could go on indefinitely, or it could be done in 2 months.  Part of the problem is not knowing.  I have no idea if I will ever get the wonderful blessing of being a mom and that is part of what makes it so hard.

On a higher note, I've really enjoyed getting to know E and think it would be a wonderful relationship should she choose us to be the parents to her sweet little baby.