Night Vision
5 years ago
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Emotions
I received an email from E today asking if we had any questions, now that the delivery date is getting closer. I mentioned we would be interested to hear the hospital plan once she is ready. She emailed right back. She said she's requested a private room and also requested a copy of his keepsakes (bracelet, name plate, etc.), but she also requested a copy for us. She is going to be leaving as soon as she is released, but has requested that we have a room to stay with Baby Boy until he is released. After 72 hours, she will meet with the case worker and sign the papers. While I was excited to hear the plan, my heart just felt so unbelievably sad. I just can't imagine the pain she will be going through. She has been having a really hard time and while her decision has never changed, I know she is going to be struggling. She keeps her emotions pretty well hidden and doesn't seem to want to really talk about anything. I'm not even sure that the "placement" between the baby and us will actually take place. I don't know that she will actually be able to place the baby in our arms. She seems to want to distance herself from everything that's happening. Since this is our first adoption, I don't know if this is normal. I'm really worried about her and want her to be able to know how much we love and support her. But I don't want to step on any toes. I'm not the best at expressing emotion and sometimes I wish she could just KNOW how much we care about her!! I wish she could see into our hearts. While this is going to be the most wonderful day of our lives, I also realize it is going to be the hardest. How can you be so happy and so sad at the same time? I know everything will work out, and I will just keep praying E will be ok and make it through this somehow.
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3 comments:
It is an intensely emotionally journey. Your heart will break when hers breaks.
She knows you love her! And if you have a hard time telling her in person, just write her a long letter where you can really think it all through and put it in words (as much as it's possible to put it in words). Still praying for you!
Our son's birth mom was good at hiding how she felt, too. We knew she was hurting but that she didn't want to involve us in it.
Just let E know you love her and follow her lead, and you'll be ok. You might want to get your family members to each write her a letter welcoming her to your family and thanking her for her sacrifice.
Our son's birth mom told us later, that after she came home from the hospital, she read our letter to her and our family's letters, and she said it made her feel so much better.
You also may want to have in place a post-placement plan that involves when and how you will send photos. A lot of couples send photos and an update the very next day about how the first night at home went.
If sending photos to her phone isn't something she wants, you can set up a private blog or a private Facebook page where you can do a "photo dump" of all the pictures you will be taking (along with updates, of course). Or you can email them to her. You may want to set up a schedule for the first few months where you will post or send photos on a certain day of the week for so many weeks.
If she needs the photos, she can know when to expect them. But if seeing recent photos will hurt, she can still know they are there, in an email inbox or on a private blog or something she can look at later. And in a small way, knowing they are there if she needs them can be a comfort to her as well.
An adoption placement, or even the anticipation of one, can cause everyone involved to grieve (including you and your husband), so don't feel like that's not normal. It's difficult, but all of you will make it through!
Oh, I also wanted to give you this link to an article about post-adoption grief (specific to adoptive parents.) http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1792
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