Emotions

I received an email from E today asking if we had any questions, now that the delivery date is getting closer.  I mentioned we would be interested to hear the hospital plan once she is ready.  She emailed right back.  She said she's requested a private room and also requested a copy of his keepsakes (bracelet, name plate, etc.), but she also requested a copy for us.  She is going to be leaving as soon as she is released, but has requested that we have a room to stay with Baby Boy until he is released.  After 72 hours, she will meet with the case worker and sign the papers.  While I was excited to hear the plan, my heart just felt so unbelievably sad.  I just can't imagine the pain she will be going through.  She has been having a really hard time and while her decision has never changed, I know she is going to be struggling.  She keeps her emotions pretty well hidden and doesn't seem to want to really talk about anything.  I'm not even sure that the "placement" between the baby and us will actually take place.  I don't know that she will actually be able to place the baby in our arms.  She seems to want to distance herself from everything that's happening.  Since this is our first adoption, I don't know if this is normal.  I'm really worried about her and want her to be able to know how much we love and support her.  But I don't want to step on any toes.  I'm not the best at expressing emotion and sometimes I wish she could just KNOW how much we care about her!!  I wish she could see into our hearts.  While this is going to be the most wonderful day of our lives, I also realize it is going to be the hardest.  How can you be so happy and so sad at the same time?  I know everything will work out, and I will just keep praying E will be ok and make it through this somehow.

The Best Mother's Day Gift

I received a card in the mail yesterday from E.  I was so excited, I opened it right there in the post office.  It brought tears to my eyes.  The card said, "If ever someone was meant to be a mom, it was you.  Happy Mother's Day".  She wrote some really nice things in the card and included some ultrasound pictures.  I really wanted those ultrasound pictures.  I wanted to be able to show them to my friends and family just like they were all able to show me theirs.  It helped me to feel more like a mother to be.

As each day passes and we get closer and closer to the day we get to bring baby boy home, I feel more and more like this was the plan that was always meant for us.  E fits perfectly into our lives. She is like us, her family is like us.  We get along so well, and I know we will have a great open relationship in the future.  I am so incredibly grateful for E and the wonderful sacrifice she is making.  This thing called Adoption is such a sacred, unique experience.  I'm lucky I get to be a part of it.

Celebrating Being a Mommy to Be

Mother's Day has been a hard day for me for a number of years and as such, I usually turn off my alarm (or not even set it) on Mother's Day, curl back up in my bed and wait to enter the waking world until late afternoon.  In the past 12 years, I have only been to church on Mother's Day a handful of times.  Ever since my mom passed away, I found church on Mother's Day to be extremely painful.  It was hard for me to hear everyone talking about how special their mom's were and how grateful they were to have them around.  It was just too difficult and I found myself getting very angry thinking about how I didn't have my mom around to celebrate with.  Then once we started trying to have kids, and were unable to, it just made Mother's Day unbearable.  That was the one day a year, where I just felt like I was given a raw deal.  I was sulky and mean.  How unfair that not only do I not have a mother around anymore, but I don't get to be a mother?!  So I'd sleep in, eat whatever I wanted, watch TV (Gasp! On a Sunday!), and then suck it up because we still had to go celebrate with P's mom.  P's mom was and is great.  She always made me feel comfortable and always asked about my mom.  I think she knows what a hard day Mother's Day is for me.

This Mother's Day was a little different.  While I still miss my mom incredibly and was a little tentative to attend church, this year I had hope.  I am a mommy-to-be!  I had something to celebrate!  P brought me flowers and a gift card on Saturday night.  Then on Sunday he wrote me the sweetest, most thoughtful card.  Church was still a little hard, but the speaker said something that brought tears to my eyes:  Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and the women who wish to be mothers.  Overall, it was a good Sunday and I am so thankful for my beautiful mom.  She was a great example of the mom I hope to be.  Although I only had her for 21 years, she taught me life-long lessons.  I know she is with my little baby boy right now, strengthening and preparing him for this journey we call life. :)

Trials

I've been thinking a lot about trials lately and trying to understand why some people seem to be swallowed up in them, while others seem to lead such a charmed life.  And for those who struggle with infertility, it seems like that should be trial enough, but lately, that seems to be only the beginning.  I recently came across this blog:  www.sheldonandjulieo.blogspot.com.  What a heartbreaking story.  After 7 years of infertility, they are blessed with a son.  When her son is 2 1/2 years old, he and her husband drown in a tragic accident.  I still get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I think about her story.  My heart just breaks for her.  Another adoptive mom (a sister of a woman in my ward), adopted her son 2 years ago.  Just yesterday she had surgery for a brain tumor and has lost all the hearing in her left ear.  Another blogger friend who recently adopted has a similar story to mine:  lost her mother way too young and then struggled to become a mother herself.  I look around and see so many people who seemingly have a perfect life.  I wonder what their trials are.  I have to remind myself that just because I can't see their trials, doesn't mean they don't have them, or that they won't have them in the future.  And then I have to remind myself, I chose these trials.  The Lord knew my strength and knew I could handle them.  He also knew what I needed in order to grow spiritually.  Maybe those I'm envying don't need that.  So, I will empathize and sympathize with those who are suffering around me and I will continue to pray for them to have comfort and peace and most importantly, strength.  I won't focus on the trials I've had in my life (even though at times they seem like doozies).  I'll look at them as learning and growing experiences........all part of who I am now.  And that person, is a person I kinda like.

Meeting our Birth Mom

P and I flew to Arizona this past weekend to meet our birth mom, E.  I didn't sleep for days leading up to our trip.  By the time we flew into Arizona and then drove 3 hours to where E lives, I was exhausted.  But there wasn't any time to be tired.  We were meeting her and her friend for dinner.  I was so, so nervous!  P was nervous too.  But when we arrived at the restaurant and we walked in and saw E, everything was alright.  It was just like meeting an old friend.  We handed her the gift basket we brought (Bath and Body lotions, shower gel, foot scrub, socks, lip gloss, loofah, etc), and hugged.  It was so nice to FINALLY be able to meet the woman who is giving us the opportunity to be parents.  I was expecting a full blown Q&A session at dinner, but that wasn't how it was.  We just talked and caught up on each other's lives.

Dessert was brought and then E asked if we had any questions.  I only had 2 unanswered questions.  I asked if she was ok talking about the father.  She showed us a picture of him and told us he was an Ex-Marine who felt like he'd been given a raw deal and the world owed him everything.  She doesn't know where he is now and that was really all she said about him.  It was nice to just be able to put a little description and a face to the father.  It really helped put my mind at ease.  Then I asked if she had a birth plan yet.  She said she hadn't made one yet, but was doing that with her case worker the next time they met.  I was a little disappointed she didn't have that in place, but I can handle waiting a little longer.  We were at dinner for about 2 1/2 hours and then I think we were all tired, so we said goodbye until the next day.

The next day we took E to lunch, just the 3 of us.  It was a little better to have her all to ourselves, so we could talk more and get to know her better.  We brought our Android Tablet and showed her pictures of our families and our home, and let her get to know us a little better.  She seemed really interested and liked looking at everything.  After lunch we met her two sisters at the bowling alley.  We bowled a couple of games, and again, it wasn't a Q&A session.  It was just friends getting together and getting to know each other.  I really liked her sisters and P was totally on his game.  He is so good with new people and instantly puts them at ease.  He was funny and charming and really stole the show.  I'm a little more shy and reserved, but I think they liked both of us.  After the bowling was over, E asked if we had plans for the next day.  We didn't, so she asked if we would like to meet her parents.  We, of course, said yes.  She told us her mom was having a really hard time with everything, so she didn't know if she would be there, but she would like us to meet her dad.  She said she'd text us in the morning and let us know the plan.

That night, P and I went to dinner and a movie.  It was nice to be out, just the two of us, and be able to spend time together.  We are together ALOT, but most of the time we are with either our family and friends.  Not very often do just the two of us get to go out alone.  I loved being able to have him all to myself. :)

The next day, E asked if we would come to her parents house for dinner at 5.  Both P and I were beyond nervous.  We weren't sure if her mom would welcome us or if she would be stand offish towards us.  I was worried there might be a confrontation of some kind.  But that night we arrived for dinner and all our worries were put aside.  Both E's parents were kind and hospitable.  We were there for about 3 1/2 hours and we just told stories, and ate.  It felt like being at our own families.  We fit right in and we loved them all instantly.  E's sisters, brother-in-law and nephews and niece were all there too.  The kids were adorable!!  It was an absolutely wonderful evening.

As we were leaving, E and her dad walked us out to our car.  E's dad explained that E's mom was having a really hard time and he was trying to help her see that this really was the best thing for E.  It seems like E's dad is such a wonderful support to her.  I liked him instantly.  He is such a great guy!  I got kind of choked up when I told them that we understood how difficult this is for them, and that we were so grateful for the decision E has made.  Both E and her dad said they were both so excited for us to start our family and what a great thing this is.  What an amazing family!  Seriously, we are so lucky.  E did say that it was important we met her family before we met at the hospital, so it wouldn't be so hard.  That was a weight lifted off both P and I.  We weren't sure if she wanted us there after the baby was born, but it sounds like we'll get to be there.  She also said there will come a point after the baby is born that she will want to back off from communication so she can heal and so we can be our own family.  I'm willing to do what she wants, but I hope she wants to have a part in this babies life.  I want the baby to know his amazing, wonderful birth mom.

I can definitely see Heavenly Father's hand in this.  The way E came to find us, the way her family is so much  like mine and P's.  The way we both seem to want the same kind of openness.  This has truly been a humbling, strengthening experience.  There are only 14 weeks left until we see E again.  Only that time, we'll be coming home with a baby.  Oh, joy!!

Meeting E

We are headed to Arizona this weekend to finally meet E!  I have been a bundle of nerves for weeks now.  I'm not too nervous to meet her, but I am EXTREMELY nervous to meet her sisters.  I keep trying to think how I would react if one of my sister's told me they were going to place their baby.  I know I would want to be supportive, but I do know it would be hard for me to let my future nephew go.  So I hope and pray we will be able to have a nice time together and their minds will be put at ease once they meet us.  I have so many questions for E and I hope she is open to answering them.  The last thing I want to do is offend her!  But, I need to know more about the father.  Any information she is willing to give will help ease my mind.  I am also hoping we can talk about her birth plan and the openness we all want in the future. Most of all though, I just want her to feel comfortable in her decision to place with me and P and to have that decision confirmed after she meets us.  I keep joking with everyone that maybe she'll change her mind once she meets us in person, but that is a real fear.  I am SCARED TO DEATH!  With only 15 weeks left (Ahhhhhh!!!!),  we would be devastated if she changed her mind.  I still have a comfortable feeling whenever I think about her and I think everything will work out, but there is always a possibility it won't.  But, I'm moving forward with happiness and excitement, because that's the only thing to do. :)  We are SOOOOOOO excited to have Baby Boy coming to our home in August.

Something's Missing

Lately I've been having the craziest feeling.  I'll be doing something and I get such an unrestful feeling.  I look around and stand up wondering what I should be doing that I'm not.  I feel like I'm preparing myself already for this baby.  That the times are limited where I can just sit and play games with friends, or watch TV and not have to worry about where baby boy is.  I'm ok with that.  This post is weird, because I don't really have anything to say, except I wanted to remember the feelings I've been having.  So that's that. :)