Crappy Morning

It's weird how little things can make me feel so upset.  I went to the Dr's today to pick up my infertility form.  As I'm waiting in line and pregnant woman after pregnant woman kept coming and going, I started to get a little sad. And then I started to get angry because I was sad.  And then I was embarrassed.  Women don't go to their OB/GYN to pick up infertility forms, they go because they're pregnant.  I know all these feelings were irrational, but I couldn't help it.  It didn't help either that they couldn't find the form and I was sent on a wild goose chase to find it and still came up empty handed.  Which means I get to go back AGAIN and probably experience the same feelings AGAIN!  I left the Dr's holding back tears.  Then I started to get angry at P.  I feel like I'm doing this whole thing alone.  I'm the one filling out forms and getting all the hard copy information and researching the process.  I want a little more support.  I want a little more hands on approach.  I know that's not rational either.  He's working hard and doing everything he can.  My days are full of time, so it should be me that's taking the lead on this.  But I couldn't help those feelings, just the same.  So I bought myself a giant bag of Skittles and I'll drown my sorrows in those and then tomorrow I can feel crappy because I gained back the 4 pounds I lost.

Names

I heard a name last week for a little girl that I liked so I added it to our constantly growing list of baby names.  I always ask Paul which names he likes and we usually don't agree.  However, as I told him this name, he said he really likes it.  I was excited because it was the first name we agreed on.  I checked on Baby Name Wizard what the origin was and what the popularity of the name was.  I was quite surprised to find out the name we BOTH liked meant, "Wished For Child".  I've been taking a lot of things this past little while to be "signs" that we're on the right path.  This name was one of them.  Maybe our first baby is going to be a girl? I kind of hope so because we haven't agreed on a boy name yet. :)

Obsess Much?

I am OBSESSED with blogs.  I thought I blog stalked before, but nothing compares with the blog stalking I'm doing now that we are adopting.  I just can't get enough of reading other couples' stories.  I feel a connection to these women I've never met.  I cry reading their stories and I just love seeing how happy they are!  I love reading about their relationship with their birth parents.  A majority of my time is spent reading blogs.  It is consuming me!

I had a bad day yesterday.  I had the thought that we may NEVER get chosen.  It was too much for me to handle.  I have to have FAITH we have a little baby out there.  I have to believe that.  I also have to have faith in the Lord's timing.  It might not happen in 6 months, it might not happen in 18 months.  I have to be prepared for the timing the Lord has set for me.  I'm trying to find joy in life, but I feel like I am in a waiting pattern.  I hate the WAITING.  I hate waiting to get approved and I'm sure I'll hate waiting to be chosen.  My patience is going to be tested, but I am up for the challenge.  It will all be worth it in the end.

Dream

I've been wondering for awhile what our birth parents will look like.  Every time I see a young teenage couple, I wonder if they will be them.  I know it sounds insane, but I can't help it.  Last night I had a dream.  A beautiful dark haired girl was looking around a door beckoning for me to come.  Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she wore very little makeup.  She was the one who had chosen me and P to be the parents of her baby and she was asking me to come meet the birth father.  I hurriedly went to her, but I never saw the father.  My dreams went on to other things.

Now, I'm not sure if this was just my imagination, or revelation, but it put my mind at ease.  The Lord knows how much I want a little dark haired, dark eyed baby, and maybe this dream was a way to let me know that is the way it could happen.

We are moving along in the process.  Our case worker said that most adoptive couples don't move as fast as we have.  P and I are so anxious to get our profile up, we are doing everything we can to move this process along.  We only have our home visit and Adoption Education Courses left before we can put up our profile.  I am hoping to have the home visit scheduled in the next 2 weeks and then hopefully our profile will be up the end of August (or before).  I want to make sure our birth parents can find us.  Could it be possible I could have a little baby before the end of the year?

Telling Our Families

We FINALLY told our families last weekend we were planning to adopt.  P and I worked really hard to make a video for them to watch.  It was beautifully done and it got our message across quite well.  I was so nervous for days leading up to the announcement.  However, both families reacted just as expected.  With my family there were a lot of tears and hugging.  There were also a lot of questions, which I tried to answer as best as I could.  With P's family, there were silent tears and just hugs from his mom.  His family isn't as openly affectionate as my family is, so I wasn't disappointed.  They were all very happy for us and very excited.  It is such a great relief to have their support and love as we begin this adventure.  I feel their love and know our baby will be loved by them all.

Friends

I went to dinner with my friends tonight.  We've been friends for almost 15 years.  We've been through everything together:  death of parents, marriages, divorces, children, struggles to have children, sickness of parents and on and on.  No matter what the situation, we've been there.  If not in person, then in prayers.  These girls are my best friends and I would do anything for them.  As I talked about starting the adoption procedure, not a single one of them was without a tear in their eyes.  As we talked, one of my friends told me that her husband who rarely fasts, fasted for me and P.  It is such a blessing to know that I am loved.  That I am lucky enough to have friends to help me through this tough time.  They asked if it would be ok if they did a fast for me and P in July.  Of course I started crying and said it would be great.  Honestly, who has friends like that?  More and more I see the Lord's hand in my life.  Out of our struggles, miracles and blessings have happened.  Although this process has been extremely difficult and emotionally straining, I'm thankful for the blessings I've received because of it.  I'm thankful for the relationship I've created with P and with my Heavenly Father.  I'm thankful for the answers I've received and the comforting arms of the Spirit in my times of sorrow and confusion. There are many more difficult days ahead, but each and every one of them will be worth it, when we finally have that child of our own.

Frustrated

The adoption process has barely started and I'm already frustrated beyond belief.  Our first meeting with LDS Family Services was on Friday May 6th.  We took home a packet,which we promptly filled out and returned on the following Wednesday, May 11th.  I waited one very long week to find out if the Bishop had returned his recommendation letter......he hadn't.  I waited another week and another.  Finally, I called the Bishop to find out what the hold up was.  He said he had never received the letter.  At which point, I couldn't handle it any longer and I burst into tears.  After a call to my friend at LDSFS, she hand delivered the letter to the bishop and he mailed in the recommendation the next day.  I waited 3 whole days before checking to make sure they had it.  3 whole days!!!  On June 6th, they said they received it and we could finally be assigned a case worker to begin the Intake Interview.  It has been another 3 horrifically long days and still nothing.   No case worker, no phone call, nothing.  I can't help but wonder what is going on over there!

HOLD THE PRESSES!  I just got a phone call from my case worker while I was typing this.  HALLELUJAH!!!  Our intake interview has been scheduled.  The process is started.  I am so excited.  I honestly can't wait until we have our little baby and I'm holding him/her in my arms.  This process is going to be much more difficult than I originally thought.  I pray for the patience to make it through.