Continued Contact

We've now been emailing with E for 2 weeks.  We email back and forth a couple times a day.  We found out she is due in August and she finds out today whether it's a boy or a girl.  Sometimes she asks us questions that make me excited, like, "If I were to choose you, would you go through LDSFS?".  That makes me hopeful!  But, in the back of my head, there is always caution.  Don't get too excited.  Don't make plans.  But I can't help it.  Now that I know when she's due, I keep thinking about what needs to get done so we can be ready for the birth.  I started looking at plane tickets and hotel rooms.  I checked our schedule to see when a good weekend would be to go out and meet her.  I am so hopeful that she will choose us!  I'm nervous to find out what she's having.  It will make it so real.  There will be a little boy or girl arriving in August......and that little boy or girl could be ours.  She told us she already has names picked out.  I wonder what they are and what that means?  Does that mean she is connecting with the baby?  Does that mean she doesn't know for sure if she will place?

We talked her into going and visiting with a counselor at LDSFS.  We want what is best for her and we want her to feel completely comfortable with her decision, should she decide to place with us.  The last couple weeks have flown by.  I love waiting to get an email from her and to learn more about her.  I think things will start to get easier once we know for sure whether she picks us or not.  I will be devastated if she decides not to go with us, but I'm trusting in the Lord and that is all I can do right now.

Birth Mom Update

We were contacted by E on Monday morning.  We emailed back and forth all day.  Then it seemed like there wasn't anything left to say, so P and I waited a couple days.  Then on Wednesday night we sent her another email.  We just gave her the link to our LDSFS profile and asked her about some of her favorite things:  tv shows, movies, books, etc.  It was late Wednesday when we sent it, but we woke up the next morning with a reply.  She told us more about her and then she asked us to tell her about open adoptions.  So I sent off a reply explaining what open adoption means and telling her what we wanted in an open adoption.  She sent back a reply just a couple hours later.  She said she wanted to be able to see the baby grow up through pictures, but she would never want to over step her boundaries.  She said it would break her heart to have a closed adoption.  For some reason, her response really hit me.  This is a real girl, who is really thinking about placing her baby.  I finally understood what people meant when they said, her heartbreak would cause our greatest happiness.  Her heart has to break in order to bring me and P joy.  And to me, that was terrifying.  I have already come to care for this girl and I only want what's best for her and her baby.  If that includes me and P, then I will be overjoyed. But it will be hard for me to not think about her and her sadness and her pain.  Talk about mixed feelings.  How can I be so excited and so sad at the same time?  We still haven't asked her when the baby is due or if she knows what she's having.  At that point, it would make it completely real.  Until she decides whether she wants to place with us or not, I'm happy not knowing.  It would be heartbreaking to know when the baby's due date was and not be have that baby in our arms.  I feel really good about E and we feel really comfortable chatting back and forth with her.  I hope this turns into a long term relationship, but only time will tell.

I Don't Believe in Coincidences

I'm not a big faster.  It's hard and I really don't like it.  I'm slightly anemic, so anytime I go without food or water for long periods of time, I get dizzy spells and massive headaches!  A lot of times, I also feel like puking (probably goes along with the dizzy spells and headaches).  But, nothing had really been happening with our adoption process, so I decided to suck it up and do what the Lord had asked me to.  So when Fast Sunday came around this month, I fasted.  It wasn't for 24 hours, it was about 15, but it was a start.  And IT WORKED!  I don't believe in coincidences.  I don't believe it was a coincidence that I fasted and then 2 weeks later we were contacted by a birth mom.  I DO BELIEVE in recognizing the Lord's hand in your life and this was definitely one of those times.  I believe the Lord knew I didn't have a testimony of fasting and He answered my prayers.  I now have a testimony of fasting and I now want to continue fasting.  With the Lord, anything is possible.  For the longest time I've had the feeling that P and I were being denied blessings because we weren't doing everything we'd been asked to do.  I believe by doing the small things, the Lord will bless us in our lives.

Contact

P got an email from his high school girlfriend on Friday.  She mentioned she knew a girl that might be looking to place and wondering if she could pass on our information.  P of course said yes and sent her our blog info.  She mentioned she didn't know her personally, but she had a friend that knew her.  She gave us her friends name and that sent me into investigative mode.  I checked out all the young girls her friend was friends with to see if I could figure out which one might be looking to place.  It took most of my Friday afternoon.  I was not very productive at all!  Then I kept checking our blog to see if anyone from that area had looked at it yet.  There were two hits from around that area, but they came from Facebook and not direct, so I didn't think that was her.  I drove myself crazy all weekend, checking Feedjit every 2 seconds.  I had to know if she had looked at our blog.  I had to know if she had looked and then wasn't interested and that was why we hadn't heard.  By Sunday night, I was kind of a mess.  I figured she just wasn't ready and we had to move on.

But then, Monday morning came.  At 7:59 a.m., we got an email.  Just a couple lines, but there it was!  We had contact.  I couldn't believe it!  Now I had a name.  I started searching again and then I found her.  There she was.......our possible birth mother.  I instantly called P and sent him her pictures and we were both kind of freaking out.  Now we had to compose the perfect response.  I called our case worker to see what she thought. She was on vacation and couldn't help.  So we were left on our own.  It took a couple hours, but we sent back an email.  She responded within a 1/2 hour.  So I met P for lunch so we could compose a reply back.  She responded within an hour.  We were getting to know her.  She seemed wonderful.  This time I had to wait until P got home from work to respond.  We sent our response and she replied right away.  All the emails up to the last one had been full of questions and getting to know each other.  The last email left P and I at a loss.  There was nothing wrong with it, but there just weren't any more questions for us, or really a reason for us to reply.  So we decided to give her a couple days.  We didn't want to overwhelm her and we didn't want to seem over eager.  But now I've been beating myself up for the past 2 days, wondering if she thought we dropped off the face of the earth.  What if she wanted a reply?  What if she thinks we're no longer interested.  I am going crazy!!!

We decided to just get to know her and didn't ask her anything about how far along she was, or if she knew what she was having.  We just wanted her to know, we wanted a relationship with her first.  Waiting for this contact has been hard, and now that we have it, SO many thoughts keep going through my mind.  What if this is our birth mom?  What if she decides to place with us and then changes her mind?  What if she DOESN'T want to place with us and goes with someone else?  What if she decides to parent?  How far along is she?  Will we have time to finish our basement and get the nursery prepared?  Is it a boy or a girl?  I really hope it's a girl, but I would still be overjoyed if it is a boy.  What are some creative ways to tell our families?  I keep picturing P's mom when she finds out.  She will gasp and then cover her mouth and then start to cry.  I can see it all in my head.  I keep thinking about meeting her and what gifts we can take, and how will she tell us that she's chosen us and will we have to hang out in her state for a couple weeks when the baby's born and where will we stay?  P and I could really be parents this year.  This could be happening.  SO. MANY. THOUGHTS.

It's been a couple days and I just can't handle it anymore.  I think I will go ahead and send her a simple email today just letting her know we're thinking of her and see if she needs anything.  It's amazing how much I care for her already.  Ultimately, I just want what's best for her and the baby.  She seems like an incredible woman and I want her to feel comfort, strength and peace as she makes this very difficult decision.

Double Whammy!

Wow!  I heard from 2 of my friends today both updating me on their pregnancies.  One is having a girl (she has two boys right now) and the other one found out she is having twins (she has 3 boys)!!!  It was just a little too much.  I love both these women so much and I am beyond happy for both of them, but I couldn't help but be a little jealous and disappointed in my own situation.  My friend that is having twins is wonderful though.  She asked about me and told me she'll keep praying for me.  She knows how difficult this is and I'm very grateful to have her in my life.  She is amazing!  She recommended I try her doctor so P and I are meeting with him next week.  I have to keep trying something to get a baby.  It doesn't matter to me if I have the baby or if we adopt a baby.  I am just ready to start our family.

What Now?

I'm struggling trying to figure out new ways to get the word out that we are adopting.  We have pass along cards, we've posted on Facebook, my button is on numerous blogs.  And yet......nothing.  I went to post again on Facebook this morning and it just didn't feel right, so I deleted my post.  I need some new ways to let people know.  If I had tons of money, I'd rent a billboard along I-15 and post there. :)  It's time to start thinking outside the box.  I have to get the word out!  I want our birth mom to be able to find us.  I just keep thinking there is a little girl out there waiting for us to find her.  How???  What now?

One Letter

It's been a particularly difficult few weeks.  I've been praying for a few months now that I could get a few more clients for my business.  Heavenly Father granted my request and I went from being part-time to WAY over full time.  It will just be for a short while, until I clean up everyone's books, finish up month end and year end and then I can get back to a normal schedule.  But these past few weeks have been tough.  It was a daily reminder that I had nothing else to fill my days with, except for work, so I may as well take it.

Although it's been hard, I know these clients were an answer to my prayer and that it was Heavenly Father's hand in my life that brought them to me.  I can see him preparing me and P for the time when we become parents.  He is getting everything in order, so when the time is right, we are ready.  In both my work and P's work, we have to work late nights and long hours to finish up a few projects, but once they are done, we will both have more time on our hands and hopefully we will be able to fill them by being parents.

When I walked into my office this morning to start work, there was a letter on my keyboard from P.  It was the sweetest, most loving letter.  It means the world to me that I am so loved by my best friend and that I get to be married to him.  Not everyone is as lucky as I am to be totally in love with the man you married (even after 10 years!).  It was just what I needed to get through the next couple weeks.  He is going to be a wonderful father and I can't wait for the day when I get to see him in action.  That little baby is going to be the luckiest little thing ever!