We've Been Chosen!!!

I received an email from E yesterday afternoon.  We don't usually receive emails in the middle of the day from her, so I was instantly nervous.  Then when I started reading the email, I was afraid.  The first line said, I don't think this is the best way to tell you this.  I froze.  Oh my gosh.  She's going to tell us she's gone with some other couple.  Then the next line said that she's been getting to know us for quite some time and has grown to care for us.  I'll be honest.  It still sounded like she was going to "break up" with us.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  I skimmed down through the email to find the part I was waiting for.......And there it was.  The one line that will change our lives forever:  I would love for you guys to adopt my baby boy.  You are the couple I have chosen to adopt my baby.  Oh my gosh.  I just started bawling.  Now that I knew it was good news, I went back and read through the whole email.  It was so sweet and loving.  I hurried and called P, but he didn't answer.  So I sent him a text to call me as soon as he could.  He called me a few minutes later and I could tell he was choked up.  He asked, Did you get the email?  I think we were both crying.  I just wanted him home with me so we could hug and cry and talk!  What an amazing moment.  After we hung up, I just sat in a daze for awhile.  I felt weird.  I don't think weird is the right way to describe it, but I definitely felt different.  The word "son" took on a whole new meaning and it didn't seem to make sense anymore.  I felt like I needed to do something, but I didn't know what to do.  After I composed myself, I called our caseworker to let her know.  After we talked, I was a little calmer, so I started writing our email back to E.  What can you possibly say?  How do you put into words the emotion that you're feeling.  I took my time and just wrote what I felt.  What I would have said if she were in front of me.  Now more than ever I want to meet her.  I want to tell her in person how amazing she is.  I want to hug her and comfort her.  I'm very aware that while P and I are so extremely happy, she is hurting.  She did say she feels peace with her decision, but I still can't imagine that the pain is completely gone.  It still feels unreal.  It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that after 4 years, we are going to be parents.  I keep walking by our office that we will turn into a nursery and thinking to myself, "There's going to be a baby in there".  There is so much to do.  So much to prepare.  I love E so much and am so glad she gets to be a part of our lives forever.

It's a Boy

E had her 20 week appointment yesterday, which also meant she got to find out what she has having.  P and I were so sure it was going to be a girl, so of course it was a BOY!  E was so cute and sent us a picture of the ultrasound.  I don't know why, but I started crying when I saw it and every time I think about it, I start tearing up.  I think it's because that could be the first picture of our baby.  That could be our son.  Our Son.  The words don't sound real.  I was also just a little bit sad.  Sad that I wouldn't ever get to experience what it feels like to see my little boy or girl moving around in my belly.  Having the doctor show me the ultrasound.  Hearing the heartbeat and feeling the baby move.  But I guess in the end, it doesn't matter if I miss out on those things.  Those things are just leading to the best thing of all......having a baby.  The more involved we become with E, the more terrified I become that she won't choose us. P is so excited to be a dad and he's always saying things like, "she wouldn't say that if she wasn't considering us, or why would she send us a picture of the ultrasound if she didn't want to choose us?".   He is as ready as I am to start our family.  I don't want to see him in pain.  I want him to have everything he wants.  I keep praying for E and that she will be led to the right parents for her baby, but I can't help but hope those parents are us.  Everyone keeps saying, if she doesn't choose you, then that wasn't your baby.  Your baby is still out there and you wouldn't want to just have "a" baby, and not "your" baby, would you?  Well actually, I don't think I would know the difference.  I think I would love any baby because I wouldn't know that baby wasn't supposed to be "my" baby.  I am remaining hopeful and optimistic.  We could very well be planning for a baby in August.......a baby boy. :)

Just Do It

We met with our caseworker on Friday.  We talked about E and we asked a zillion questions.  P and I have been very timid about asking E any questions and even side stepping a lot of the "baby"/"adoption" talk.  We didn't want E to think that was the only reason we were emailing with her.  Which is really silly, because of course we wouldn't have this relationship if we weren't both interested in adoption.  Our case worker told us we just need to go for it.  Just ask all the questions we have.  So we did.  We asked E our questions and we mentioned that we would love to meet.  As soon as I pressed send on the email, my heart started beating so fast.  I was sooooo nervous.  Thankfully, she replied right away (as she always does).  And she answered our questions with no problems and said she would really like to meet us too so when the time comes she would love that.  She said that she has made the decision to place and has started the paperwork.  She also said, if she were to choose us, she wouldn't be happier with her decision.  I don't think she's quite ready to make a decision, but hopefully she's getting closer, one way or the other.  And hopefully we'll be planning a trip soon to actually get to meet her!

Unsure

We've been encouraging E since we first started emailing to meet with someone at LDS Family Services so she can feel more comfortable with placing for adoption.  We talked with our case worker, who found the case worker in E's area that she could call.  We gave all the information to E and she was very happy to finally have someone to talk to.  She set up the appointment with her case worker and met with him yesterday.  Throughout the 3 1/2 weeks we've been emailing, I've always had a pretty good feeling about the situation.  I even allowed myself to "kind of" start planning and dreaming that this would be our baby.

We got an email from E yesterday telling us about the meeting.  There wasn't anything "wrong" with the email, but there was definitely something "different" about it.  Both P and I felt really discouraged after reading it.  It wasn't as warm and comforting as the other ones have been.  It seemed a little distant.  I'm not sure if we were just reading into it wrong, but it made us feel unsure.  I'm confused, frustrated, and sad.  I'm sure E's caseworker told her she needed to look at other families before she made her decision, and he might have told her she should choose someone closer to her.  I'm not sure if that made her pull back a little, or if it's something else.  We're just going to stay in contact with her and try to be as supportive and kind as we can.

I'm not giving up hope yet.  But this is HARD.  I can't say that enough.  This is HARD!  I've had a lot of trials in my life, including the death of my mom, but this is by far the hardest thing I've had to deal with.  There is just so much ENDURANCE.  The problem is not knowing when the end is.  This process could go on indefinitely, or it could be done in 2 months.  Part of the problem is not knowing.  I have no idea if I will ever get the wonderful blessing of being a mom and that is part of what makes it so hard.

On a higher note, I've really enjoyed getting to know E and think it would be a wonderful relationship should she choose us to be the parents to her sweet little baby.

Continued Contact

We've now been emailing with E for 2 weeks.  We email back and forth a couple times a day.  We found out she is due in August and she finds out today whether it's a boy or a girl.  Sometimes she asks us questions that make me excited, like, "If I were to choose you, would you go through LDSFS?".  That makes me hopeful!  But, in the back of my head, there is always caution.  Don't get too excited.  Don't make plans.  But I can't help it.  Now that I know when she's due, I keep thinking about what needs to get done so we can be ready for the birth.  I started looking at plane tickets and hotel rooms.  I checked our schedule to see when a good weekend would be to go out and meet her.  I am so hopeful that she will choose us!  I'm nervous to find out what she's having.  It will make it so real.  There will be a little boy or girl arriving in August......and that little boy or girl could be ours.  She told us she already has names picked out.  I wonder what they are and what that means?  Does that mean she is connecting with the baby?  Does that mean she doesn't know for sure if she will place?

We talked her into going and visiting with a counselor at LDSFS.  We want what is best for her and we want her to feel completely comfortable with her decision, should she decide to place with us.  The last couple weeks have flown by.  I love waiting to get an email from her and to learn more about her.  I think things will start to get easier once we know for sure whether she picks us or not.  I will be devastated if she decides not to go with us, but I'm trusting in the Lord and that is all I can do right now.