Gratitude

I must be turning into a blubbering baby because the littlest things just touch me so much.  The overwhelming love and support from friends and family is amazing!  I pinned our adoption website to Pinterest yesterday and when I logged on today, so many of my friends had repinned it.  I know that seems like such a silly thing, but it means so much to me that they care.  They want us to have a baby just as much as we want one and that is such a blessing to me.  The amount of people wanting to pass out our cards or post to their Facebook page, or repin on Pinterest.  Every little thing helps and I pray that somewhere in the world, our birth mom finds us.  Another lesson learned through this is that it's ok to let others help you in your time of need.  They like it!  This is so new to me, just putting myself out there and not holding anything back.  We were so silent during the three years we tried and failed to get pregnant.  No one knew of our struggles.....but now, everyone is helping us to find our joy.  I want to remember this.  I want to remember the people in my life who were there when I needed it the most.

The Good and the Bad

It's weird how sadness can just overwhelm me in just a few minutes.  I was at the store today and I saw a woman and her daughter.  They looked identical.  It made me sad.  I'm sure that we would have had adorable children and now we'll never know.  Then I feel guilty for feeling sad.  The Lord has a reason for leading us to adoption and I need to be open enough to trust Him.  I can't say I'm not worried.  I want a cute baby!  I know that is worldly and awful, but I look at my niece and nephew and they are so adorable and I can't help but think, I want that too.  But on the other hand, whenever I think about adoption, I am excited.  I'm excited that our baby is out there and that through some wonderful experience, that baby will be led to our home.  I keep having the same fears.......how long????  How long until that baby is in my arms?  How long until I feel like I have a purpose in this life?  I feel like I'm floundering, but being, not really living.  I feel like I am just writing in circles, always about the same things.

On a happy note, we've told everyone.  We posted on Facebook and on our blog and the support was overwhelming.  Everyone is so excited for us!  It really is special and unique that we have been chosen to adopt and not conceive.  Anyone (well almost anyone) can conceive, not everyone gets the opportunity to adopt.  I want to be a mom so bad.  I want to have that experience in THIS life.  I pray daily the Lord will grant me this desire.  I want to experience parenthood with P and all the joys that come along with it.  Please, please, please let it happen sooner rather than later......

ELATED!!!!!

We're approved!!  Our profile is up!!!  Our birth parents can now start finding us.  I don't think I've ever been this nervous and excited all at the same time.  I also have this weird feeling that I can't really explain.  I'm so full of emotions right now, I'm just trying to keep it all together.  Now the waiting really begins......hopefully it won't be a long wait.

Lesson in Patience

I was reading through blogs today and I discovered that the FSA Adoption Conference could have been counted as our Adoption Education Classes.  I couldn't believe it!  I was unable to attend because I was at Youth Conference, but had I known I could have used it as the classes, I would have missed Youth Conference and attended the FSA Adoption Conference.  I was sitting at my computer and I was just getting more and more upset.  I was upset our profile wasn't up yet, I was upset I missed the classes.  I even started looking at other adoption websites to see if we needed to go through someone else.  I was on the verge of complete breakdown when my case worker called.  It was like the Lord knew I needed a win right now and I got it.  All the paperwork is done and approved and it just has to be finalized at committee on Thursday, which means our profile should be up the first of next week!  I can't believe this day has come.  We are finally going to be on the radar and we could just be months away from having a baby.  It is such an exciting time and I am not going to let myself become discouraged.  I am going to move forward with HOPE.

We were headed to Provo yesterday and as we passed Ikea, P asked if we should stop on our way home and look at baby furniture.  I love it when he is excited about a baby.  I love it when he is the one to mention buying baby stuff, or say, "When our kids do this".  I know he is so excited to start a family and I hope that we will be able to bring home a little one very soon.

My 4 year old niece said a prayer last night that was so touching to me.  She said, Please bless that P and A will get a baby.  It can be a baby boy or a baby girl or a little Mexican baby or any other baby that someone wants to give them.  And I like Mexican babies, but any baby is ok.  Just give them a baby.  I love how candid and truthful she is.  I am so excited to be able to teach a little spirit about our Savior Jesus Christ and about our Heavenly Father's love.  I can't wait to be sealed together in the temple for all eternity.

Hopeful....

I realize my last two posts have been negative.  I'm HOPEFUL that I'll have a happy, optimistic post soon. :)

Sad.......

At the beginning of this month I was so excited and hopeful.  We had our home visit on August 1st and I was sure we would have our profile up by the end of the month.  Our case worker told us it usually takes 4 weeks to finish the adoptive study, but if she could have it done sooner, would we mind?  Of course not!!!  I knew that was wishful thinking so I set my mind on having our profile up by the end of August.  We worked on our profile and we were ready.  After sending an email last week and not hearing anything back, I called our case worker today.  She says we are still another 1-2 weeks out because she still has to do an audit on our file and her boss has to do an audit on the file.  I can't help but wonder what's been going on the past 4 weeks?  Has any progress been made?  If I'd called 2 weeks ago, would our profile be up by now?  This process is taking forever.  Every day that passes, I get more and more terrified that we will never be placed with a child.  What will life be like if children aren't a part of it?  I hate not having that feeling of control over what happens in my life.  There are too many other people that I have to rely on to fulfill my goals and dreams.  I'm not used to depending on people that much.  I'm used to fulfilling my own goals and making my own dreams come true.  We're going to try to get to the temple tonight.  Maybe I'll find some answers there........