Birth Mom Update

We were contacted by E on Monday morning.  We emailed back and forth all day.  Then it seemed like there wasn't anything left to say, so P and I waited a couple days.  Then on Wednesday night we sent her another email.  We just gave her the link to our LDSFS profile and asked her about some of her favorite things:  tv shows, movies, books, etc.  It was late Wednesday when we sent it, but we woke up the next morning with a reply.  She told us more about her and then she asked us to tell her about open adoptions.  So I sent off a reply explaining what open adoption means and telling her what we wanted in an open adoption.  She sent back a reply just a couple hours later.  She said she wanted to be able to see the baby grow up through pictures, but she would never want to over step her boundaries.  She said it would break her heart to have a closed adoption.  For some reason, her response really hit me.  This is a real girl, who is really thinking about placing her baby.  I finally understood what people meant when they said, her heartbreak would cause our greatest happiness.  Her heart has to break in order to bring me and P joy.  And to me, that was terrifying.  I have already come to care for this girl and I only want what's best for her and her baby.  If that includes me and P, then I will be overjoyed. But it will be hard for me to not think about her and her sadness and her pain.  Talk about mixed feelings.  How can I be so excited and so sad at the same time?  We still haven't asked her when the baby is due or if she knows what she's having.  At that point, it would make it completely real.  Until she decides whether she wants to place with us or not, I'm happy not knowing.  It would be heartbreaking to know when the baby's due date was and not be have that baby in our arms.  I feel really good about E and we feel really comfortable chatting back and forth with her.  I hope this turns into a long term relationship, but only time will tell.

I Don't Believe in Coincidences

I'm not a big faster.  It's hard and I really don't like it.  I'm slightly anemic, so anytime I go without food or water for long periods of time, I get dizzy spells and massive headaches!  A lot of times, I also feel like puking (probably goes along with the dizzy spells and headaches).  But, nothing had really been happening with our adoption process, so I decided to suck it up and do what the Lord had asked me to.  So when Fast Sunday came around this month, I fasted.  It wasn't for 24 hours, it was about 15, but it was a start.  And IT WORKED!  I don't believe in coincidences.  I don't believe it was a coincidence that I fasted and then 2 weeks later we were contacted by a birth mom.  I DO BELIEVE in recognizing the Lord's hand in your life and this was definitely one of those times.  I believe the Lord knew I didn't have a testimony of fasting and He answered my prayers.  I now have a testimony of fasting and I now want to continue fasting.  With the Lord, anything is possible.  For the longest time I've had the feeling that P and I were being denied blessings because we weren't doing everything we'd been asked to do.  I believe by doing the small things, the Lord will bless us in our lives.

Contact

P got an email from his high school girlfriend on Friday.  She mentioned she knew a girl that might be looking to place and wondering if she could pass on our information.  P of course said yes and sent her our blog info.  She mentioned she didn't know her personally, but she had a friend that knew her.  She gave us her friends name and that sent me into investigative mode.  I checked out all the young girls her friend was friends with to see if I could figure out which one might be looking to place.  It took most of my Friday afternoon.  I was not very productive at all!  Then I kept checking our blog to see if anyone from that area had looked at it yet.  There were two hits from around that area, but they came from Facebook and not direct, so I didn't think that was her.  I drove myself crazy all weekend, checking Feedjit every 2 seconds.  I had to know if she had looked at our blog.  I had to know if she had looked and then wasn't interested and that was why we hadn't heard.  By Sunday night, I was kind of a mess.  I figured she just wasn't ready and we had to move on.

But then, Monday morning came.  At 7:59 a.m., we got an email.  Just a couple lines, but there it was!  We had contact.  I couldn't believe it!  Now I had a name.  I started searching again and then I found her.  There she was.......our possible birth mother.  I instantly called P and sent him her pictures and we were both kind of freaking out.  Now we had to compose the perfect response.  I called our case worker to see what she thought. She was on vacation and couldn't help.  So we were left on our own.  It took a couple hours, but we sent back an email.  She responded within a 1/2 hour.  So I met P for lunch so we could compose a reply back.  She responded within an hour.  We were getting to know her.  She seemed wonderful.  This time I had to wait until P got home from work to respond.  We sent our response and she replied right away.  All the emails up to the last one had been full of questions and getting to know each other.  The last email left P and I at a loss.  There was nothing wrong with it, but there just weren't any more questions for us, or really a reason for us to reply.  So we decided to give her a couple days.  We didn't want to overwhelm her and we didn't want to seem over eager.  But now I've been beating myself up for the past 2 days, wondering if she thought we dropped off the face of the earth.  What if she wanted a reply?  What if she thinks we're no longer interested.  I am going crazy!!!

We decided to just get to know her and didn't ask her anything about how far along she was, or if she knew what she was having.  We just wanted her to know, we wanted a relationship with her first.  Waiting for this contact has been hard, and now that we have it, SO many thoughts keep going through my mind.  What if this is our birth mom?  What if she decides to place with us and then changes her mind?  What if she DOESN'T want to place with us and goes with someone else?  What if she decides to parent?  How far along is she?  Will we have time to finish our basement and get the nursery prepared?  Is it a boy or a girl?  I really hope it's a girl, but I would still be overjoyed if it is a boy.  What are some creative ways to tell our families?  I keep picturing P's mom when she finds out.  She will gasp and then cover her mouth and then start to cry.  I can see it all in my head.  I keep thinking about meeting her and what gifts we can take, and how will she tell us that she's chosen us and will we have to hang out in her state for a couple weeks when the baby's born and where will we stay?  P and I could really be parents this year.  This could be happening.  SO. MANY. THOUGHTS.

It's been a couple days and I just can't handle it anymore.  I think I will go ahead and send her a simple email today just letting her know we're thinking of her and see if she needs anything.  It's amazing how much I care for her already.  Ultimately, I just want what's best for her and the baby.  She seems like an incredible woman and I want her to feel comfort, strength and peace as she makes this very difficult decision.