So Blessed

Something weird happened this morning as I walked through the doors to my Zumba class.  I was struck with the thought that I am so blessed.  I was overwhelmed with happiness.  I just started thinking about all my blessings.  I live in a beautiful home and have a wonderful husband that I don't deserve.  I have the most amazing family and tons of friends.  I get to work from home doing something I love to do.  I realized that I have a very full and happy life.  If something as simple as a Zumba class can bring me joy, I need to look around more and find the joy in my life.  I may be missing a very important element in my life right now, but that is in the Lord's hands.  I've done everything I can do and now I have to trust in the Lord.  I can't stop living my life and just WAIT.  I need to find the joy every single day.  I need to better myself, so when the opportunity to become a parent comes my way, I am the best ME possible.  I'm going to enjoy every minute I get to spend with my hubby, my family and my friends.  Because once that little baby comes along, I have a feeling some of the other people and things I love to do will be neglected.........and that's ok. :)

Disappointment A or Disappointment B??

I remember when we were trying to get pregnant, the disappointment that would come every month, when I never saw the smiley face or the 2 lines.  That disappointment has now been replaced by a different disappointment.  The disappointment whenever I get an email and it isn't from a birth mom.  My prayers were more fervent this weekend.  Every time I looked at my phone, I prayed I would see that blinking red light and there would be that glorious email from a birth mom.  I think I stared at my phone more yesterday than I ever have.  It was like if I focused and concentrated hard enough, it would have no choice but to give me what I wanted......that one email.  The email that would change our lives forever and for the better.  And each time, disappointment came.  I'm not sure which disappointment I prefer.

As we were driving home yesterday from celebrating Christmas with my family, P told me it was getting harder and harder to spend time with our families because it was just a constant reminder of what we didn't have.  I have been feeling that for awhile now (especially during Thanksgiving and this past Christmas weekend), but it was kind of nice to know his feelings were just like mine.  We keep reminding each other of our favorite quote:

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." -Joseph F. Smith

Waiting has been hard, but I think the holiday season has amped up our emotions.  It has gotten SO MUCH HARDER lately.  We can do nothing but keep on waiting.

I Promise.....

I had a wonderful thanksgiving weekend with P's family.  We had a great time.  We got to spend hours with our nieces and nephews, which I loved.  But I couldn't help but feel a little sadness.  I wanted to be a part of this special club of parents.  I wanted my mother-in-law to take our baby onto her lap and read books.  I wanted my father-in-law to pick our baby up to take them to look at something they are pointing at.  I wanted my baby to be cuddled, and cooed and spoiled with attention. I wanted to belong.  I wanted to load up the car with play pens and diaper bags and blankets.  I wanted my thanksgiving meal to get cold because I was attending to our baby.  I wanted to be so tired the next morning because I was up all night with our baby.  The things that most mothers complain about, I can't wait to have!  I'm ready to have my life disrupted by a beautiful little baby.

I promise I won't complain about the lack of sleep, or the lack of warm food, or the lack of clean clothes or a clean house.  I promise I won't complain about having no "me" time.  I promise.  Just give me the chance.......

Let the Crying Continue.........

I am so touched by the overwhelming love and support we have gotten as we journey through this adoption process.  My friends and family on Facebook are sending out our link again without me even asking them too!  It is so touching and I am just so incredibly grateful that I have been blessed with such wonderful people in my life. I am truly a lucky girl!

A Big Crybaby

If I didn't know any better, I would think I was pregnant!!!  My emotions are all over the place.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.  I was driving home today and was on the freeway and there was a man standing on the side of road holding a sign that said, "Out of work, have 2 girls.  Any help is appreciated."  I started crying because I didn't have any cash to give him.  I felt awful!  Then I was talking to my cousin on Facebook and she is back at work after being on maternity leave and I started crying because she has to leave her sweet baby every day to go to work.  Yesterday was no better.  I went VT to the sweetest woman who just miscarried after 17 weeks.  This was her second miscarriage this year.  As we were talking, I had to fight back the tears because they were just threatening to come gushing out.  I just felt awful for her!  She has two adorable little girls, but I know the desire to build your family and I wished so badly I could just give her what she wanted.  The 2nd woman we VT has adopted two little boys and is currently doing foster care.  I felt myself coming to tears again as I was talking with her.  I just feel like my emotions are so at the brink of just spilling over every single minute.

My friend called me yesterday to talk some more about the 14 year old girl that is pregnant.  Her mom would like to meet with us.  I found out she's having a girl.  I started crying because I've always felt there is a little girl out there for us and this might be her.  P and I are calling the mom today to see if we can meet with her and then if she likes us, she will let us meet her daughter and see if she wants to place with us.  It is so hard!  I never get my hopes up and I'm always very cautious, but I can't help but imagine if we had that little girl.  P is the cutest husband ever.  After I called him and told him about the possible meeting, we decided we should call our case worker and see how to proceed.  After we hung up, P's mom stopped by so I couldn't call our caseworker.  While I was visiting with P's mom, P called.  He was so excited to know what our caseworker had said.  He wants a little baby just as badly as I do.  He is going to be a WONDERFUL father.  I seriously don't know a better man.  He is such a loving, forgiving, caring, supportive guy!  I am so in love with him.

I was really having a bad night last night and of course I was crying and P asked what was wrong.  I told him that I just wished life didn't have to be so hard.  He said the perfect thing, "Our life isn't that hard.  We are facing some difficult challenges, but it's not hard.  We are really lucky and blessed."  He was right.  We are sooooo blessed.  When I think of the challenges and trials others have to go through, I know I am extremely blessed.

We'll make it through this and all our other challenges we're facing right now.  Someday when we have our little family, we will look back on our trials and be grateful for where they led us.

Coincidence or Fate?

About two years ago, my friend called me and told me she had a dream.  She dreamt that one of her YW had become pregnant and I ended up adopting the baby.  We laughed about it and I put it out of my head.  A few months later I was walking into Wal-Mart with P when I got an email from my friend.  This YW was pregnant and was placing her baby for adoption.  However, she had already chosen a family.  But my friend wanted to know if we would be interested if the family fell through.  I remember my heart started pounding and I couldn't believe what I was reading.  P and I hadn't really discussed adoption yet at this point, but, I emailed my friend back and told her I would absolutely be interested.  Everything worked out for this young girl and the family she chose, but I was amazed at the insight of my friend.

My friend called me last week and told me this same YW was now the birth mom advocate for her FSA chapter and she would love to have some of our pass along cards to give to potential birth moms.  Talk about excited.  Maybe this YW was meant to help us find our birth mom.  I've emailed her and sent her some of our pass along cards.  I'm hopeful that putting our cards directly into potential birth mom's hands may be the answer to our prayers.

I posted our website on Facebook and asked my friends to please share it on their walls as well.  I had more friends than I could count share our website and we've had hundreds of hits on our website because of it.  I'm more hopeful than I've been in a long time.  The more people who know, the more chances of us becoming parents soon!

Another Lead?

I got a call from a friend today.  Her mom was talking to their mail lady and found out her daughter was 14 years old, pregnant and due in March..  The mom really wants her daughter to place the baby, but the daughter wants to parent.  My friend's mom told her we were adopting and asked if her daughter might be interested.  My friend was calling to find out what she should do.  I told her to have the girl look at my blog and if she wanted to talk to us, just to explore her options, that would be great.  I told my friend we would not pressure the girl if she wanted to talk, we would just let her ask questions about how the adoption would be.  I like that we are having leads, but I would love to actually meet our birth mom and bring our baby home soon!  I was reading one of the blogs I follow and they were just chosen for their 2nd baby.  I felt a huge pang of jealousy.  They have one adorable adopted son and are about to have another baby.  It hurt.  It hurts not knowing when or if this will happen for us.    P and I are so ready.