Friends

I went to dinner with my friends tonight.  We've been friends for almost 15 years.  We've been through everything together:  death of parents, marriages, divorces, children, struggles to have children, sickness of parents and on and on.  No matter what the situation, we've been there.  If not in person, then in prayers.  These girls are my best friends and I would do anything for them.  As I talked about starting the adoption procedure, not a single one of them was without a tear in their eyes.  As we talked, one of my friends told me that her husband who rarely fasts, fasted for me and P.  It is such a blessing to know that I am loved.  That I am lucky enough to have friends to help me through this tough time.  They asked if it would be ok if they did a fast for me and P in July.  Of course I started crying and said it would be great.  Honestly, who has friends like that?  More and more I see the Lord's hand in my life.  Out of our struggles, miracles and blessings have happened.  Although this process has been extremely difficult and emotionally straining, I'm thankful for the blessings I've received because of it.  I'm thankful for the relationship I've created with P and with my Heavenly Father.  I'm thankful for the answers I've received and the comforting arms of the Spirit in my times of sorrow and confusion. There are many more difficult days ahead, but each and every one of them will be worth it, when we finally have that child of our own.

Frustrated

The adoption process has barely started and I'm already frustrated beyond belief.  Our first meeting with LDS Family Services was on Friday May 6th.  We took home a packet,which we promptly filled out and returned on the following Wednesday, May 11th.  I waited one very long week to find out if the Bishop had returned his recommendation letter......he hadn't.  I waited another week and another.  Finally, I called the Bishop to find out what the hold up was.  He said he had never received the letter.  At which point, I couldn't handle it any longer and I burst into tears.  After a call to my friend at LDSFS, she hand delivered the letter to the bishop and he mailed in the recommendation the next day.  I waited 3 whole days before checking to make sure they had it.  3 whole days!!!  On June 6th, they said they received it and we could finally be assigned a case worker to begin the Intake Interview.  It has been another 3 horrifically long days and still nothing.   No case worker, no phone call, nothing.  I can't help but wonder what is going on over there!

HOLD THE PRESSES!  I just got a phone call from my case worker while I was typing this.  HALLELUJAH!!!  Our intake interview has been scheduled.  The process is started.  I am so excited.  I honestly can't wait until we have our little baby and I'm holding him/her in my arms.  This process is going to be much more difficult than I originally thought.  I pray for the patience to make it through.

Every Child I Look At

When you have a biological child of your own, it's easy to picture what your child will look like:  his eyes, your nose, etc.  But when you are adopting, the child could look like anyone.  I find myself looking at every child I see and wondering if that is what our child is going to look like.  Are they going to have light hair or dark?  Are they going to have blue or brown eyes?  Will they be athletic or intellectual?  All the things you can kind of imagine for your child are suddenly a big unknown.  But there is one thing that remains constant: my desire to be a mom.  It doesn't matter to me what color their hair is.  It doesn't matter to me if they are going to be the star baseball player.  None of that matters as much as having a child that we can call ours.

Tough Day

Today has been a tough day.  I was putting on my shirt and as I was looking in my full length mirror, I started crying.  I stuck my belly out and realized that I would never get to experience the feeling of being pregnant.  I would never get to buy maternity clothes, or feel my baby move inside me.  It brought me a feeling of sorrow, of loss for something I will never have.

I also spent a lot of time today looking at adoption profiles.  I focused on the families that had already adopted.  I wanted to see how the children "fit" into their families.  They all seemed so happy and the part that is the most important is that they looked like they "belonged" to that particular family.  I feel that adoption is a divine process and the birth family is led to the adoptive family.  They are joined in a bond that was eternally destined.

Our first meeting with LDS Family Services is on Friday.  That day seems so far away.  I'm ready to start now.  I'm ready to bring a special little soul into our family.  I'm ready to give of my love and I can't wait to teach this little baby about their loving Heavenly Father and all the blessings He's given and is willing to give.

I can only pray that I'll have a happy ending and that my little family of 2 will soon be a family of 3.

Women's Conference

I had the wonderful opportunity to take 2 days and go to Women's Conference.  I was excited to go this year because there were two classes I really wanted to go to.  One was on Infertility and the Gospel Plan and the other one was on Adoption.  I didn't really feel anything special at the first one, but the class on Adoption was amazing.  I walked into the room and it was a small gathering.  There were only about 25 people there, but the spirit that was felt the instant you walked into the room was unmistakable.  There were three women who spoke of their experiences:  a mother who had adopted, a woman who worked with birth mothers and a grandmother of a baby that was placed for adoption.

The moderator said something that confirmed to me that our decision was right.  She said that all children are Heavenly Father's children and all parents are adoptive parents.  This was something I had thought just a week earlier in my post, Meant to Be Ours.  To see the love from this adoptive mother in reference to her daughter, who was there with her, was amazing.  Tears were flowing from everyone in the room.

The social worker said something that struck me to my core, Birth Mothers are the most incredible women in the world.  I'm embarrassed to say, I hadn't really given much thought to the birth mom's, other than to get excited at the prospect of getting a baby.  But as the social worker continued talking, I realized what a difficult decision it must be to decide to place your baby into someone else's arms and trust they will give your baby the love and care it deserves.  The birth mom's truly are incredible women.  To give up your child is, without a doubt, the most selfless gift that any mortal woman could ever give.

One other thing I hadn't given much thought to was that the birth mother isn't the only one giving something up.  For each birth mom, there are grandparents and great grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews that love this unborn baby and will never get to experience the joy of watching the child grow up.  The birth mom isn't the only one who will be affected.  There is a whole support system that will forever be touched by the birth mom's decision.

One last thing the moderator said was that for the birth mother and for the adoptive couple, adoption started with tragedy, but ends with joy.

The spirit was so strong and I know that adoption will be a wonderful experience.

The First One to Know

My wonderful visiting teacher came over today.  She has known of my infertility struggle for many years and always checks in to see how we're doing.  P loves her too and we joke that she is his visiting teacher as well as mine.  He usually just hangs out in the kitchen and listens, but tonight when J asked where we were on having kids, I looked at P and he had tears in his eyes.  I took this as a sign that we could tell J.  So with tears in my eyes, I told her we were planning on adopting.  She looked at me and then at P and she said how much she loved us and that she could tell how much we truly loved each other and were going to love our future babies.  She said she felt we had this special love for one another that you don't see all the time.  I had to agree with her. P and I haven't been without our trials, but there is no doubt that my love for him has grown exponentially since the day we were married.  This is a testimony to me that in the midst of trials, great blessings shine through.

The Best Husband in the World

Today was Easter.  P and I went to his parents to celebrate the day.  During the hour long car ride, I told P that I thought we should have his cousin take our pictures for the Adoption Profile.  He looked at me and asked if that is what we've decided to do.  I told him about the thoughts I'd had a couple days earlier (see previous blog post, Meant To Be Ours) and I felt we should adopt.  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said he felt the same way.  He reached over to hold my hand and together we realized we felt the same way.  We both felt confusion whenever we thought about IVF, but were both enveloped by such peace whenever we thought about adoption.  He told me how ready he was to be a parent.  I don't know why, but to a girl that is the most romantic thing a guy can say.  I felt such overwhelming love for him.  He is going to be a great dad and I can't wait to share this experience with him.