What Now?

I'm struggling trying to figure out new ways to get the word out that we are adopting.  We have pass along cards, we've posted on Facebook, my button is on numerous blogs.  And yet......nothing.  I went to post again on Facebook this morning and it just didn't feel right, so I deleted my post.  I need some new ways to let people know.  If I had tons of money, I'd rent a billboard along I-15 and post there. :)  It's time to start thinking outside the box.  I have to get the word out!  I want our birth mom to be able to find us.  I just keep thinking there is a little girl out there waiting for us to find her.  How???  What now?

One Letter

It's been a particularly difficult few weeks.  I've been praying for a few months now that I could get a few more clients for my business.  Heavenly Father granted my request and I went from being part-time to WAY over full time.  It will just be for a short while, until I clean up everyone's books, finish up month end and year end and then I can get back to a normal schedule.  But these past few weeks have been tough.  It was a daily reminder that I had nothing else to fill my days with, except for work, so I may as well take it.

Although it's been hard, I know these clients were an answer to my prayer and that it was Heavenly Father's hand in my life that brought them to me.  I can see him preparing me and P for the time when we become parents.  He is getting everything in order, so when the time is right, we are ready.  In both my work and P's work, we have to work late nights and long hours to finish up a few projects, but once they are done, we will both have more time on our hands and hopefully we will be able to fill them by being parents.

When I walked into my office this morning to start work, there was a letter on my keyboard from P.  It was the sweetest, most loving letter.  It means the world to me that I am so loved by my best friend and that I get to be married to him.  Not everyone is as lucky as I am to be totally in love with the man you married (even after 10 years!).  It was just what I needed to get through the next couple weeks.  He is going to be a wonderful father and I can't wait for the day when I get to see him in action.  That little baby is going to be the luckiest little thing ever!

So Blessed

Something weird happened this morning as I walked through the doors to my Zumba class.  I was struck with the thought that I am so blessed.  I was overwhelmed with happiness.  I just started thinking about all my blessings.  I live in a beautiful home and have a wonderful husband that I don't deserve.  I have the most amazing family and tons of friends.  I get to work from home doing something I love to do.  I realized that I have a very full and happy life.  If something as simple as a Zumba class can bring me joy, I need to look around more and find the joy in my life.  I may be missing a very important element in my life right now, but that is in the Lord's hands.  I've done everything I can do and now I have to trust in the Lord.  I can't stop living my life and just WAIT.  I need to find the joy every single day.  I need to better myself, so when the opportunity to become a parent comes my way, I am the best ME possible.  I'm going to enjoy every minute I get to spend with my hubby, my family and my friends.  Because once that little baby comes along, I have a feeling some of the other people and things I love to do will be neglected.........and that's ok. :)

Disappointment A or Disappointment B??

I remember when we were trying to get pregnant, the disappointment that would come every month, when I never saw the smiley face or the 2 lines.  That disappointment has now been replaced by a different disappointment.  The disappointment whenever I get an email and it isn't from a birth mom.  My prayers were more fervent this weekend.  Every time I looked at my phone, I prayed I would see that blinking red light and there would be that glorious email from a birth mom.  I think I stared at my phone more yesterday than I ever have.  It was like if I focused and concentrated hard enough, it would have no choice but to give me what I wanted......that one email.  The email that would change our lives forever and for the better.  And each time, disappointment came.  I'm not sure which disappointment I prefer.

As we were driving home yesterday from celebrating Christmas with my family, P told me it was getting harder and harder to spend time with our families because it was just a constant reminder of what we didn't have.  I have been feeling that for awhile now (especially during Thanksgiving and this past Christmas weekend), but it was kind of nice to know his feelings were just like mine.  We keep reminding each other of our favorite quote:

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." -Joseph F. Smith

Waiting has been hard, but I think the holiday season has amped up our emotions.  It has gotten SO MUCH HARDER lately.  We can do nothing but keep on waiting.

I Promise.....

I had a wonderful thanksgiving weekend with P's family.  We had a great time.  We got to spend hours with our nieces and nephews, which I loved.  But I couldn't help but feel a little sadness.  I wanted to be a part of this special club of parents.  I wanted my mother-in-law to take our baby onto her lap and read books.  I wanted my father-in-law to pick our baby up to take them to look at something they are pointing at.  I wanted my baby to be cuddled, and cooed and spoiled with attention. I wanted to belong.  I wanted to load up the car with play pens and diaper bags and blankets.  I wanted my thanksgiving meal to get cold because I was attending to our baby.  I wanted to be so tired the next morning because I was up all night with our baby.  The things that most mothers complain about, I can't wait to have!  I'm ready to have my life disrupted by a beautiful little baby.

I promise I won't complain about the lack of sleep, or the lack of warm food, or the lack of clean clothes or a clean house.  I promise I won't complain about having no "me" time.  I promise.  Just give me the chance.......

Let the Crying Continue.........

I am so touched by the overwhelming love and support we have gotten as we journey through this adoption process.  My friends and family on Facebook are sending out our link again without me even asking them too!  It is so touching and I am just so incredibly grateful that I have been blessed with such wonderful people in my life. I am truly a lucky girl!

A Big Crybaby

If I didn't know any better, I would think I was pregnant!!!  My emotions are all over the place.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.  I was driving home today and was on the freeway and there was a man standing on the side of road holding a sign that said, "Out of work, have 2 girls.  Any help is appreciated."  I started crying because I didn't have any cash to give him.  I felt awful!  Then I was talking to my cousin on Facebook and she is back at work after being on maternity leave and I started crying because she has to leave her sweet baby every day to go to work.  Yesterday was no better.  I went VT to the sweetest woman who just miscarried after 17 weeks.  This was her second miscarriage this year.  As we were talking, I had to fight back the tears because they were just threatening to come gushing out.  I just felt awful for her!  She has two adorable little girls, but I know the desire to build your family and I wished so badly I could just give her what she wanted.  The 2nd woman we VT has adopted two little boys and is currently doing foster care.  I felt myself coming to tears again as I was talking with her.  I just feel like my emotions are so at the brink of just spilling over every single minute.

My friend called me yesterday to talk some more about the 14 year old girl that is pregnant.  Her mom would like to meet with us.  I found out she's having a girl.  I started crying because I've always felt there is a little girl out there for us and this might be her.  P and I are calling the mom today to see if we can meet with her and then if she likes us, she will let us meet her daughter and see if she wants to place with us.  It is so hard!  I never get my hopes up and I'm always very cautious, but I can't help but imagine if we had that little girl.  P is the cutest husband ever.  After I called him and told him about the possible meeting, we decided we should call our case worker and see how to proceed.  After we hung up, P's mom stopped by so I couldn't call our caseworker.  While I was visiting with P's mom, P called.  He was so excited to know what our caseworker had said.  He wants a little baby just as badly as I do.  He is going to be a WONDERFUL father.  I seriously don't know a better man.  He is such a loving, forgiving, caring, supportive guy!  I am so in love with him.

I was really having a bad night last night and of course I was crying and P asked what was wrong.  I told him that I just wished life didn't have to be so hard.  He said the perfect thing, "Our life isn't that hard.  We are facing some difficult challenges, but it's not hard.  We are really lucky and blessed."  He was right.  We are sooooo blessed.  When I think of the challenges and trials others have to go through, I know I am extremely blessed.

We'll make it through this and all our other challenges we're facing right now.  Someday when we have our little family, we will look back on our trials and be grateful for where they led us.